Christina Forum's Official Joke Thread

[NikDC]

Please keep all the jokes in this one thread so that they don't clutter up the board and they'll be easy to find when you want a good laugh.

[CAStyle]

Thank god! There's ONE poster that kept posting a lot my the minute.

[~LuCkYGURL~]

Anyone got a joke?

[WhatABoyWants]

I have a few corny jokes.. but I'll post just one for now:

What did the pigeon say to the statue??
Do you have any grey-poop-on -you?? ....

Alright if you don't get this joke, well... all I ask is that you think long and hard before scratching your head and saying 'huh?' 'cuz itz simpler than you think!!! lol :) ...Have Fun you guyz

[aShLeY AnN]

OH fun..thanks! :)
JOkes are my fav!! :D:D:D

What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson? One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven


okay i could go on for like a year..i luv jokes and im SOO easily amused, if you couldnt tell! :D:D:D

[Christina Is Hot]

Heres a Joke....
----------------------------------------------
The night before a couple were about to be
married, they both were killed in a car
accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked
St. Peter if they could still get married.
The couple were called in to actually see God.

God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not
right now. It may be a few days or a few years,
but I will allow you to be married.'

Five years came and went and the couple were
finally call upon to get married. After one day
of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see
if they could get a divorce. They were sure the
marriage would not last.

God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get
a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much
longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'

[NikDC]

Lawyer jokes? Blonde jokes? What have I done? ;)

[Christina Is Hot]

This ones kinda corny but here ya go......
----------------------------------------------
The difference between men and women in one
paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain
road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out
the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out the window and
replies, "Bitch!"

They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into
a pig in the middle of the road.

[Jess-All4Xtina]

LOL... joke threaad, cool idea. I don't have any jokes tho, I just like readin' them ;) Actually I know a few jokes, but they areeither dirty, racist, mean, ect... so I won't say them. I got them from a friend hehe, since I cna't think of jokes myself... I'm dumb hehe :D

Well, i'll leave the joke making for you guys, and I can just read and laugh... LOL! :)

[Christina Is Hot]

**too much :D**


[Edited by NikDC on July 4th, 2001 at 03:35 PM]

[Christina Is Hot]

lol okay NikDC! :D

[MDZ61384]

hmmpphh! nobody appreciates my good humor in my own post so I'll put the same stuff in here: :D ENJOY!
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: whats long brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Duuuuuuuunnnnnnngg!

A married woman was having an affair and whenever her lover came over, she stashed her son in the closet. One day, she heard her husband come home and so she threw the lover in the closet as well. The kid said, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yeah," the guy says.
"Wanna buy a baseball? If you don't buy it, I'll tell my daddy about you."
The guy says, "How much?"
The kid says "$50." So the guy gives the kid $50.
"You wanna buy a mitt? Same deal, but this time it's $100."
The lover says, "Fine, here you go," and gives the kid $100. One day, the father says to his son, "Let's play catch."
The son says, "But I sold my ball and glove for $150."
The dad goes, "That's thievery! I'm taking you to confession."
The kid gets thrown into the confessional and says to the priest, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest goes, "Not you again."

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Smith.
"Jesus!" Smith cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Two atoms were sitting in a bar. One of them said, "I think a lost an electron." The other one goes, "Are you sure?" The first one goes, "I'm positive!"

A panda walks into a restaurant, and orders some food. After he finishes, the waiter comes to his table with the check. The panda shoots him, and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, what did you do that for?" The panda says, "Don't you know who I am? Look me up in the dictionary!" The bartender gets out his dictionary and looks up "panda." It says: "Panda. n. Bear-like member of the raccoon family native to Asia, distinguished by its black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

George W. was passing through an airport and he noticed this strange old man, dressed in long white robes, with a long white beard, clutching two stone tablets. The old man was staring at the ceiling. George called out to him, "Aren't you Moses?" The old man never stirred, he just continued staring at the ceiling. George W. moved closer to him, cleared his throat and said, "Excuse me, aren't you Moses?" The old man still ignored him, so George got right in his face and said, "I beg your pardon, but aren't you Moses?" The old man, irritated, answered him curtly, "Yes, I am." George then asked him, "Why are you being so rude to me?" The old man rolled his eyes and responded, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert!"

What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do the laundry right now!!!!
What a Man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!

A college freshman fell asleep in his 8:00 English class. The professor, not too pleased, threw a book at him. "What was that?" asked the startled student. "That", replied the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day, the weather suddenly turned terrible.
"Goodness", exclaimed a peasant woman, "snow."
"No," said her husband, "Rudolph said that it's rain!"
"I still say that it's snow," yelled the wife.
"Look," he insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Seems that there was a marine biologist studying dolphins at a small facility of his in Florida. He learned that if he fed terns to the dolphins in his tank they never died.
One day, his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and get some more. Meanwhile, a circus train derailed nearby and most of the animals ended up escaping, one of them being an old toothless lion. The lion somehow wandered over to the facility, and decided to take a nap in the entrance, being tired from all the excitement, a narrow walkway, with tall shrubs on either side, nice and secluded. Well, the biologist returns with his birds. And sees the lion blocking his path, snoring away. He heard about the train wreck and the missing lion on the radio, so he knew he was harmless. The only way to get by the lion was over him, so he leaped over the lion.
As soon as he landed on the other side, the vice squad, etc., pounced from the shrubbery and arrested him. The charge: Transporting gulls across the sedate lion for immortal porpoises.

A fellow was talking to his buddy when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first guy did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, "Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?" The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine." So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic.
"The blind man," came the reply.
"Well," said the first nun, "if he is blind, it won't make any difference."
So the nuns opened the door.
"Nice boobs!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?"

Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
A: Most people can roast beef.

Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

[Stefani13]

I have a joke! ;) I have to write this one down from memory, so it might not be exactly perfect. :D

I'm gonna use Martin (MF9777) in my joke! :) I hope he doesn't mind...hmm, I'll also use Scott (niceguy) too. :D BTW, this is not meant to be morbid...but Scott, Martin, Katie Holmes, and Christina Aguilera are in Heaven. :D


___________________________________________

As Scott approachs the pearly gates of Heavan, God tells him, "I am allowing you to enter Heaven. But, you must be handcuffed to the ugliest woman in here."

So, in Heaven Scott must spend eternity handcuffed to this ugly, mean, annoying, stupid woman.

Scott asks God, "Why do I have to be with this wretched woman?"

To which God replies, "When you were younger, you committed a sinful act and now must face the consequences and accept this punishment."

Scott, a few minutes later, sees Martin handcuffed to two women as well. But, Martin is handcuffed to Christina Aguilera AND Katie Holmes!!!

Scott then asks God, "But why does Martin get to be handcuffed to two beautiful, pleasant women while I get this ole' hag?"

Answering, God explains, "Oh, you mean Martin? Well, when Christina and Katie were younger, they committed a sinful act. Martin is their punishment."
_________________________________________________


;) Hehe...I kinda changed it though when I was typing it out. But, it's an old joke, and I'm sure a lot of you have heard it. No offense Martin!!! :D Hehe. Funny? No? :T Oh well...lol.

[niceguy]

LOL @ Stefani's joke.. LOL....

[Jorge Santos 4E]

lol Stefani

[Beccie In A Bottle]

This is one of my fave jokes :D

A vampire bat flaps in from the night - exhausted, its face covered in fresh blood.
'What happened?' ask the other bats. He doesn't want to tell them, but they keep hassling him for details until he relents.
'Follow me,' he says, and flies out of the cave followed by hundreds of excited bats.
He goes through the valley, across a river and into a huge forest. The other bats followed him excitedly, their tongues hanging out for the fresh blood ahead.
'Do you see that large oak tree over there? the bat asks.
'Yes, yes, yes!' the other bats scream in a frenzy.
'Good, because I didn't!'


Hehe :D

[jakecaluvr]

damn those are some pretty funny jokes. LOL. anyways, thanks for the laughs!

[tazCABsBa1fanatic]

ok, I'm not a good in these but I hope I can make you laugh :)

here it is:

The DOCTOR told Uncle Fudd that if he ran five miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, Uncle Fudd called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 1500 miles from home."

:)

[nickyl13]

ive got a corny joke, which uve probably heard:

three men go to heaven, and each one gets a car depending on how faithful they were. the first man goes to god, and asks what car he can have. god says "you have been cheatin on your wife, you get a little banger car"
so the first guy goes off in his banger car

the second guy goes to god
god says "uve only cheated on your wife once, you can have a estate car. hes goes off, quite chuffed

the third guy goes to god
god says "u have been truly faithfull, u can have a limo"
he drives off, very chuffed.

later on, the 3 guys are riding together arounf heaven, when the third guy stops and starts to cry
"whats up?" the other guys say to him
he replies with "ive just seen my wife riding on a skateboard!"

[jakecaluvr]

lol thats kinda funny. heres one, you probably heard it already but...

a duck walks into a store and asks the manager if he has any gwapes. the manager says no we aint got no gwapes. the duck comes into the store the next day and asks the manager if he has any gwapes. the manager says no we aint got no gwapes and if you come here again ill staple youre feet to the floor. so the nex day the duck comes in again and asks do ya got any staples. the manager says no. so then the duck asks do ya got any gwapes!
lol. i like that joke, although i know it is stupid.

[jakecaluvr]

thats a good one nickyl

[nickyl13]

hehe, dats funny :)

hers another 1:
thers 3 men on an airoplane, one of them is a plane pilot.
they want to fly to the moon in a plane. they are nearly there, when they find that the plane is to heavy. "quick, throw something out!" says the pilot
one of the men throws out a bottle of whisky, the pilot lets a bomb go off his plane, and the last guy drops al his books out.
later on, they run low on fuel, so they have to land back on earth. they climb outta the plane, and walk down a long path. they meet a man stood near his house rubbing his head
"wats a matter" the men say
"a bottle of whiscky hit me on the hed" he says
they walk on
further up the path, they meet a guy layed on the floor
"wat r u doing?" they say
i had to jump to dodge a load of books falling from the sky!"
they carry on down the path
they come to a laughing man stood next to the remains of a blown up house
"why are u laughing" they say
he says "i farted and my house blew up!!!"

[Dreamy_Starz]

LoL! Thos are really good..keep the jokes coming:p:D:)

[Michj12]

Here is a Joke My 4 year old cousin wanted me to tell you guys! :p

What did the Wall say to the other Wall....

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Nothing! walls can't talk! ;)

lmao, she made it up alll by herself!

[ChristinaAguileraPollGuy]

i only know dirty jokes *shakes head in ashame*

[jakecaluvr]

uhmmm OK. nice joke there. lol. i like the bomb one.

[genie~chica]

old one:
Why did the cat cross the road?
A: because the chicken was on vacation

Blonde one:
There were a group of blondes and a group of brunettes, they were going on a bus trip, they got on a double-decker bus the brunettes took the bottom & the blondes took the top. The brunette were having a great time they were playing music, playing games, one of the brunettes stopped and realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she went up & she saw all the blondes whit-nuckled and frozen scared stiff, the brunette asked "What's wrong were having a blast down stairs?!" one of the blondes very scared looked upand said "well atleast you have a driver!"

chicken one:
why did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get away from Kernel Sanders

[MDZ61384]

5 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope off the edge of a cliff. They were trying to figure out which one of them would remain on the rope. After a lengthy discussion the brunette gave a brilliant speech on why she should stay on the rope

the blondes applauded

:D

[nickyl13]

lmao@MDZ61384

[Stefani13]

That's a good one...lol. ;)

[genie~chica]

lmao @ MDZ61384, that was good!

[MDZ61384]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up
in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me,
how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the
entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor
from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen
thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my
army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had
a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

:)

also, My name is MARK :D

[nickyl13]

lol @ mark (i used a real name, WOW:))

[DemonCleaner Version 2.0]

I hereby declare myself ineligible to post what you people think are "jokes"...

I'm just gonna read what you ingrates will posts..

[MDZ61384]

This is for women especially :D
----------------------------------------------------------
Application to date my daughter

If you are interested in dating my daughter, simply print
out and complete the following form and mail it to me for
review and approval. Before doing so, you might want to
review the RULES for dating my daughter. They WILL be
enforced!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
--------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompained by a complete financial statement, job
history, lineage, and current medical report from your
doctor.

1. NAME:________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH:_________________
2. HEIGHT:__________WEIGHT:______________IQ:_________GPA:______ ____
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #:___________________DRIVER'S LICENSE:____________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS:__________________________________________________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married:__________________________
8. Do you own a van:____ a truck with oversized tires:____a waterbed:_____
9. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button rings?____tattoo?_____
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
(attach additional pages with response as needed)
11. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
12. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
13. Church you attend:_________________________________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview you father, mother and pastor?_____
15. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely. All answers are
strictly confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone ever)
A. If I was ever shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
B. If I was beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C. A woman's place is in the:
D. The one thing I hope the application does not ask is:
E. When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is: (NOTE: if answer
E begins with a T or an A, discontinue and leave premises keeping your head low
and running in a serpentine fashion is advised).
16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS FREE, AND
CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, PURITAN WITCH DROWNING TORTURE, RED-HOT POKER, AND
HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant's signature:__________________________________________________
(this means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for you interest. Please allow 4-6 years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are
approved. Please do not call or write. (You probably can't
anyway.) If your application is rejected two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify
you(you might watch your back).

The Rules for dating my daughter ...

Now that you have completed and submitted the application to
date my daughter, you need to familiarize yourself with the
following rules for appropriate conduct.

If you expect to have a difficult time remembering these
rules, I would be happy to subsidize having them tattooed to
your arm.

Now if you need to have a friend read them to you, please
save us all a lot of time and pain and simply tear up your
application. The dating thing ... it ain't happenin'

Also, if I call out jovially when you arrive at the house.
"I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're
stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" Don't take
it personally, just take it somewhere else.

These rules are cast in stone, and there is no compromise or
negotiation whatsoever

... Have a nice evening.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not
picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and
I will not object. However, In order to assure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your
waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let
me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
WILL kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as
long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date
no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's
apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey
games are okay.

:D :D :D

[MDZ61384]

he used (yes folks) a REAL name!

::THUD::

so I'm an ingrate now, am I Alvin? :D

[MDZ61384]

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the
country."

....George W. Bush, Jr.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

....George W. Bush, Jr.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat
the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and
water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived
in this century. I didn't live in this century."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.,11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in the future."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"The future will be better tomorrow."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're going to have the best educated American people in
the world."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of
Europe."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Public speaking is very easy."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the
killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

....George W. Bush, Jr.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
not having it."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our children."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any
misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

[Dreamy_Starz]

(No offense 2 anyone who's Blonde:o)

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I eat broken glass and live?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Once there was a blonde that really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the camera showing the basement and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went down to the basement to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles—not testicles!''

LoL..:p:D:)

[nickyl13]

LMFAO@dreamy_starz 4 the last joke.....LOL

[Dreamy_Starz]

I have another one, LMFAO!!:p:D:)

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

[nickyl13]

hehe, ive heard that b4 on jokes.com
heres my version:

3 kids r late 4 school, so the teacher asks each 1 y there late.
"why r u late?" she goes to child 1
"ive been on top of veronica hill"
"why r u late?" she goes to child 2
"ive been on top of veronica hill"
"let me guess, uve been on veronica hill?" she goes to child 3
"no, im veronica hill"

[*~Boom Baby*~]

lol, I heard the same joke except it was Blueberry Hill! Funny, the application is funny too!

There were 3 Blondes, that were stuck on an island, they found a magic lamp and there was a genie inside, the genie said, "I will grant you each one wish" so the 1st blonde wished for a boat, the 2nd blonde wished for a shovel to dig under, and the 3rd blonde though & thought and not thinking of what she was saying she said "oh, I wish I wasn't blonde!" *poof* the genie turned her into a brunette & she crossed the bridge!

[Dreamy_Starz]

LoL!:D

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[Loverboy_of_Ricky&Jc]

I remember that there a blonde girl called Christina Aguilera and she isn´t especially blonde...
But I think it´s pretty sure that dark hair girls are smarter and Christina of course! :D

[Loverboy_of_Ricky&Jc]

Oh my god!! :eek:
I have made a mistake:

And she isn´t especially blonde

I meant not especially dumb :eek: sorry :)

[MDZ61384]

hmm...people like to ignore my jokes...
I remember that there a blonde girl called Christina Aguilera and she isn´t especially dumb...
But I think it´s pretty sure that dark hair girls are smarter and Christina of course!

was that supposed to be funny??? just because you have blonde hair doesn't mean you are stupid, people just make fun of that because it was in the past assumed that women with blonde hair were supposed to be less intelligent than women with other color hair...

anyway back on topic:

a man walked into a bar and told the bartender give me a case of beer, anything except for schlitz. the bartender asked him why he didn't like schlitz. the man said he drank a case of schlitz last night and he blew chunks. the bartender told the man that if he drank any case of beer he was going to blow chunks. you don't understand, said the man, chunks is my dog

[Edited by MDZ61384 on July 6th, 2001 at 10:00 PM]