MDZ61384
Jul 4th, 2001, 05:18 PM
Q: whats long brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Duuuuuuuunnnnnnngg!
A married woman was having an affair and whenever her lover came over, she stashed her son in the closet. One day, she heard her husband come home and so she threw the lover in the closet as well. The kid said, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yeah," the guy says.
"Wanna buy a baseball? If you don't buy it, I'll tell my daddy about you."
The guy says, "How much?"
The kid says "$50." So the guy gives the kid $50.
"You wanna buy a mitt? Same deal, but this time it's $100."
The lover says, "Fine, here you go," and gives the kid $100. One day, the father says to his son, "Let's play catch."
The son says, "But I sold my ball and glove for $150."
The dad goes, "That's thievery! I'm taking you to confession."
The kid gets thrown into the confessional and says to the priest, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest goes, "Not you again."
One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Smith.
"Jesus!" Smith cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Two atoms were sitting in a bar. One of them said, "I think a lost an electron."
The other one goes, "Are you sure?"
The first one goes, "I'm positive!"
A panda walks into a restaurant, and orders some food. After he finishes, the waiter comes to his table with the check. The panda shoots him, and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, what did you do that for?" The panda says, "Don't you know who I am? Look me up in the dictionary!" The bartender gets out his dictionary and looks up "panda." It says: "Panda. n. Bear-like member of the raccoon family native to Asia, distinguished by its black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
George W. was passing through an airport and he noticed this strange old man, dressed in long white robes, with a long white beard, clutching two stone tablets. The old man was staring at the ceiling. George called out to him, "Aren't you Moses?"
The old man never stirred, he just continued staring at the ceiling.
George W. moved closer to him, cleared his throat and said, "Excuse me, aren't you Moses?"
The old man still ignored him, so George got right in his face and said, "I beg your pardon, but aren't you Moses?"
The old man, irritated, answered him curtly, "Yes, I am."
George then asked him, "Why are you being so rude to me?" The old man rolled his eyes and responded, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert!"
What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do the laundry right now!!!!
What a Man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!
A college freshman fell asleep in his 8:00 English class. The professor, not too pleased, threw a book at him. "What was that?" asked the startled student. "That", replied the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."
In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day, the weather suddenly turned terrible.
"Goodness", exclaimed a peasant woman, "snow."
"No," said her husband, "Rudolph said that it's rain!"
"I still say that it's snow," yelled the wife.
"Look," he insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned.
Moral of the story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Seems that there was a marine biologist studying dolphins at a small facility of his in Florida. He learned that if he fed terns to the dolphins in his tank they never died.
One day, his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and get some more. Meanwhile, a circus train derailed nearby and most of the animals ended up escaping, one of them being an old toothless lion. The lion somehow wandered over to the facility, and decided to take a nap in the entrance, being tired from all the excitement, a narrow walkway, with tall shrubs on either side, nice and secluded. Well, the biologist returns with his birds. And sees the lion blocking his path, snoring away. He heard about the train wreck and the missing lion on the radio, so he knew he was harmless. The only way to get by the lion was over him, so he leaped over the lion.
As soon as he landed on the other side, the vice squad, etc., pounced from the shrubbery and arrested him. The charge: Transporting gulls across the sedate lion for immortal porpoises.
A fellow was talking to his buddy when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first guy did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, "Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?" The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine." So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic.
"The blind man," came the reply.
"Well," said the first nun, "if he is blind, it won't make any difference."
So the nuns opened the door.
"Nice boobs!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?"
Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
A: Most people can roast beef.
Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
A: Duuuuuuuunnnnnnngg!
A married woman was having an affair and whenever her lover came over, she stashed her son in the closet. One day, she heard her husband come home and so she threw the lover in the closet as well. The kid said, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yeah," the guy says.
"Wanna buy a baseball? If you don't buy it, I'll tell my daddy about you."
The guy says, "How much?"
The kid says "$50." So the guy gives the kid $50.
"You wanna buy a mitt? Same deal, but this time it's $100."
The lover says, "Fine, here you go," and gives the kid $100. One day, the father says to his son, "Let's play catch."
The son says, "But I sold my ball and glove for $150."
The dad goes, "That's thievery! I'm taking you to confession."
The kid gets thrown into the confessional and says to the priest, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest goes, "Not you again."
One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Smith.
"Jesus!" Smith cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Two atoms were sitting in a bar. One of them said, "I think a lost an electron."
The other one goes, "Are you sure?"
The first one goes, "I'm positive!"
A panda walks into a restaurant, and orders some food. After he finishes, the waiter comes to his table with the check. The panda shoots him, and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, what did you do that for?" The panda says, "Don't you know who I am? Look me up in the dictionary!" The bartender gets out his dictionary and looks up "panda." It says: "Panda. n. Bear-like member of the raccoon family native to Asia, distinguished by its black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
George W. was passing through an airport and he noticed this strange old man, dressed in long white robes, with a long white beard, clutching two stone tablets. The old man was staring at the ceiling. George called out to him, "Aren't you Moses?"
The old man never stirred, he just continued staring at the ceiling.
George W. moved closer to him, cleared his throat and said, "Excuse me, aren't you Moses?"
The old man still ignored him, so George got right in his face and said, "I beg your pardon, but aren't you Moses?"
The old man, irritated, answered him curtly, "Yes, I am."
George then asked him, "Why are you being so rude to me?" The old man rolled his eyes and responded, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert!"
What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do the laundry right now!!!!
What a Man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!!!!
A college freshman fell asleep in his 8:00 English class. The professor, not too pleased, threw a book at him. "What was that?" asked the startled student. "That", replied the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."
In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day, the weather suddenly turned terrible.
"Goodness", exclaimed a peasant woman, "snow."
"No," said her husband, "Rudolph said that it's rain!"
"I still say that it's snow," yelled the wife.
"Look," he insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned.
Moral of the story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Seems that there was a marine biologist studying dolphins at a small facility of his in Florida. He learned that if he fed terns to the dolphins in his tank they never died.
One day, his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and get some more. Meanwhile, a circus train derailed nearby and most of the animals ended up escaping, one of them being an old toothless lion. The lion somehow wandered over to the facility, and decided to take a nap in the entrance, being tired from all the excitement, a narrow walkway, with tall shrubs on either side, nice and secluded. Well, the biologist returns with his birds. And sees the lion blocking his path, snoring away. He heard about the train wreck and the missing lion on the radio, so he knew he was harmless. The only way to get by the lion was over him, so he leaped over the lion.
As soon as he landed on the other side, the vice squad, etc., pounced from the shrubbery and arrested him. The charge: Transporting gulls across the sedate lion for immortal porpoises.
A fellow was talking to his buddy when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first guy did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, "Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?" The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine." So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic.
"The blind man," came the reply.
"Well," said the first nun, "if he is blind, it won't make any difference."
So the nuns opened the door.
"Nice boobs!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?"
Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
A: Most people can roast beef.
Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"