The ULTIMATE Britney Board Joke Corner! [Archive]

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TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:42 PM

please don't post in here until I'm finished... thank you (check the last post for something like "ok, I'm done" :p)

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:43 PM

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:44 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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LMAO @ Mon's http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

BTW this is crazy......but fun! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name is Chuck" and the farmer shot him.

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol.....really good one Red! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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ButterflyAngel
Elite Member
Location: Why?...I didn't do it!
Registered: Feb 2000
Posts: 1283
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http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/rolleyes2.gifLMAO @ y'all! You guys are too crazy! Ghost, my thoughts exactly! Hehe!

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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How many pancakes does it take to build a dog house? Respond to find out the answer! Bye.
Mike

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Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'.
-Britney Spears

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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how many?

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL @ Red!!! That was a good one!

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as
bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first
fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to
do with the BODY?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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*L*

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:45 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol.... LMAO @ Mon! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif That was a good 1! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3717
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That was a good one. I'll pass it along to my fellow workers. They appreciate a good joke every now and again.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ewww!!! Ok, that was a little nasty! But it was still funny. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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LOL
the bull joke was pretty gross but funny

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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I don't know. What?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Snowballs...

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Snowballs

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Ha Ha Ha. Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Damn, I'm so good that I sometimes scare even myself.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Yes Guy, I want to hear a dirty joke

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Ok. A boy fell in a puddle of mud flat on his ass.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Did you ever wonder how someone can fall flat on their ass? Unless you have an extremely flat ass, there is no way you can fall flat...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ha ha ha.. Is that the best you can do? http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Hey, I told you a dirty joke. I don't know what you were thinking.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle.

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:46 PM

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL!!! http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sally/lol.gif

Here's another sorta dirty joke for y'all.

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting
to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would
blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how
hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The
principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to
demonstrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the
toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.

From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

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~SurferGirl~
Elite Member
Location: Santa Cruz, California
Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 2779
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These are giving me a laugh, they are so funny!! Here's mine:

Two guys are in a locker room after their
racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second man,"that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No sh*t?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LOL! http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sally/lol.gif

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....hey Red u laugh really funny! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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http://home.enter.vg/provider/Animation24.gif

BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Yea, well you smell weird! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/tongue2.gif

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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OK here is the real one I wanted to share.
Once there was a bad kid named Jonny Deeper. One day he stayed after school with his teacher to serve his detention. One day he got up and took the yard stick that was sitting on the ledge of the chalkboard. Then, Jonny asked his teacher, "Will you go in the closet with me."

Teacher said, "No, I will not go in the closet with you."

Jonny said, "I'll cry"

Then after falling for the "I'll cry" gag she goes in the closet with him.

Then, Jonny asked, "Will you take off your clothes?"

The teacher, "No, I will not take off my clothes."

Jonny replied, "I'll tell the pricipal that you were in the closet with me."

The teacher gave in and took off her clothes. Then, Jonny asked, "Can I stick thick stick up your ass?"

The teacher is like, "No, you can't stick this stick up my ass"

Jonny's reply, "I'll tell the principal that you were naked and in the closet with me."

Again the teacher let him stick the stick up her ass. As he was doing it his parents walked in. And said,"Jonny Deeper"

Jonny said, "I can't it's stuck"

I am not very good at telling jokes like that sorry.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Here's another one - it's not so nasty...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net/boldred.gif

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2565
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LOL, that's a good one Red!!! lol http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his
client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA
is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's
dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good
news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:46 PM

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NgcLuvsMe!
Senior Member
Location: Backstreet Fantasy World
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 159
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese! <--- That one is pretty pathetic

There was a blond who was trying to sell her car that had 150,000 miles on it. She knew no one would want it, so her sister told her of a guy who could help her with her problem, but it would be illegal. The blond was desperate to sell her car, so she went to see this guy. When he was finished with her car, the meter read that the car only had 50,000. A week or two later, the blond went to see her sister. Her sister asked if she had had any trouble selling her car, and the blond replied "Why would I want to sell me car? It only has 50,000 miles on it now!"

An old man and woman were in bed late at night making love. All of a sudden the man fell off the bed, dead. The woman franctically called the police. When they asked her what had happend, she replied "Well I thought he was coming...but it turns out he was going!"

A blond was driving down a curvy road one night. All of a sudden, a tree appeared on the left...so she swerved to the right. A tree was on the right...so she swerved back to the left. Another tree was on the left...so she swerved back to the right and crashed. The police came and asked her what had gone wrong, and why she crashed. The blond explained that there were trees and she had to swerve to get out of their way. The cop told the blond "Ma'am, there aren't any trees on this road. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth...."
http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:47 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol lol lol http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL!!! Those were good ones!!

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....c'mon any1 else??? http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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this one is kinda stupid but...

Wrong Answer

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif LOL http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif That was a great one.

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:47 PM

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol.. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Funny Red! Thing is, I'm a blonde, but guys don't really get a bad rap for that though. I thought that was so funny. LoL. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
Mike

[This message has been edited by AGuyNamedMike (edited July 04, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "How do you start a flood?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Bill, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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Three blondes are driving to Disneyland. After 4 hours on the road, they see a sign that says DISNEYLAND LEFT. So they turn around and go home.

A nun at a Catholic school is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Suzie declares "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzie repeats. "Oh thank heavens," says the nun. "I though you said a Protestant!" http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

[This message has been edited by Brit-rulz (edited July 05, 2000).]

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Halloween Costume

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so
when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear
a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to
Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few
days receives a package with the following note.

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will
cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the
costume."

Sam is furious with their 'solution', and returns the parcel, saying
he is trying to HIDE his peg leg...not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

"Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern.
Enclosed is a monk's habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your
bald head will look to be part of your costume."

Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are
idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note
which reads:

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head,
stick your peg leg up your butt, and go as a candy apple."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LMAO!! http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net/boldred.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the
same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about
their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to
using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how
their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a
single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard
that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And
Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two
weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she
faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
This a retarded joke. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
A monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any bananas?"
The Bartender says, "No."
"Got any bananas?" The monkey asks a second time.
"No," says the bartender.
"Got any bananas?"
"No."
"Got any bananas?"
"No! Are You deaf? Ask me one more time and I'll nail your freakin' lips to the bar!"
"Got any nails"
"No"
"Got any bananas?"

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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hmmm. sorry i didn't get it...

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
here's one..i know it's a little early for it but i's kinda good..

Thanksgiving Sayings
Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, but Aren't...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
Those Thanksgiving sayings had me on the floor. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol..

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~SurferGirl~
Elite Member
Location: Santa Cruz, California
Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 2779
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for .

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

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4-everBrit's#1fan
Elite Member
Location: va in u.s.
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 877
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hi everyone...missed u all lots...real nice to be here again...been on vacation...& other things..had a very very busy summer!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
I never thought this topic would get this many replies. I am so proud of everyone. These jokes are hilarious. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

There were these 3 guys, 2 of them walkied into the bar, the third one ducked.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very
depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm
35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this
advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks him, "What seems to be the problem?" Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:48 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....u guys r really good at this! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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http://home.enter.vg/provider/Animation13.gif

BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Things Most Women Will Never Say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ***

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ***!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
OMG... That is so funny, yet so true!!! I love it! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
here's another good one..

Henry Ford

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians.'"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LOL! That's a good one. Here's another...

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do,"he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch biclighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie says. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol that's a good one..
here's another

it's kinda stupid

Identify the following sound

Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop, BANG, BANG, BANG, clippity
clop, clippity clop, clippity clop.

It's an Amish drive by shooting!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!! Those were good! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol that was a good one.

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
LOL!!! That was a good one! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't
wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LOL - those are good!

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I'm embarrassed.
After all these years, what is your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed. She said nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, said, "How soon do you have to know?"

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle.

ok I don't get that one

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net/ukliam2.gif

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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LOL @ all of you

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Monica's Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned." Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3717
--------------------------------------------
That's pretty sick. Funny, but sick.

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:48 PM

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

i know it's sick but i couldn't resist

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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LMAO @ Red. That's disgusting! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/nik_eek2.gif

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Some of these jokes are very funny...LMAO...but sick at the same time. Oh well, I hope people keep posting them...I enjoy to read them...they keep me in a good mood. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif Bye.
~Mike

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2565
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Yeah, and we DO NOT want to see Mike in a BAD mood!!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/nik_eek2.gif - j/k!!!! lol http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol@Red

that was sick but funny

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:49 PM

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
--------------------------------------------
I think I feel a mood swing comming on...someone better post a joke soon...I'm going to crack. LoL...j/k http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif "Dancing Queen" just came on the TV and that song always put me in a good mood...LoL! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
~Mike

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
--------------------------------------------
That is a good one. I don't have any jokes right now, but I have a funny experience. Here it goes. My freshman year in high school I took a trip to Orlando with the band. Well, it was the last morning we were going to be there so my friends and I decided to play a little joke on are teacher. What we did was my friend was calling him for something. So I snuck in his room and stole his hotel key so he would be locked out. So, my other roommate was in our room with his video camera taking taping him trying to get inside his room. He was pounding on the door and yanking on the door. See, when we showed the tape to the class and everybody was in for a good laugh. It doesn't sound all that funny right, but here is the catch. He didn't know that we did it. And turns out he was doing all that pounding and yanking on the door in his underware. No robe, no shirt, nothing but his underware. He even had to go down to the lobby just to get a spare key. It was well worth it. Eventhough, we only got a day of detention. That was the funniest thing we ever done to him. I wish I could of gone with them last year.

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
Fresh out of the shower, a woman is drying off when she slips and lands spread eagle on the floor. Trying to stand, she realizes that she fell so hard that her crotch created a vacuum and she's stuck to the floor. She calls to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. He calls his neighbor and they both try to lift her up but she still won't budge.Then the neighbor says "Why don't we get a hammer, break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"
"Great Idea," says the husband "but just let me rub her chest a little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks the confused neighbor.
"So we can slide her to the kitchen," the husband replies. "The tiles are cheaper in there."

------------------
"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LMAO! That must s*'''' when that happens...

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

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genio_atrapado
Elite Member
Location: Oceanside, Ca usa
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 244
--------------------------------------------
does anybody know if the mummy had a nice vacation?

No one knows she was too wrapped up to ask her

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'mi luz mi cielo azul, mi gran amor aun por siempre tu' http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

[This message has been edited by genio_atrapado (edited July 06, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each
buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a
single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their
respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no
tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom
where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "ticket please."

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**************** PAGE 9: ****************
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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES."

Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT."

His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."

He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.

The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
--------------------------------------------
LOL....u guys! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/rolleyes2.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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http://home.enter.vg/provider/Animation13.gif

BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Do you know what the difference between "naked" and "nekkid" is?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
Well since nobody is gonna ask, I'll just tell ya...

Naked - you have no clothes on

Nekkid - you have no clothes on and your up to something

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NgcLuvsMe!
Senior Member
Location: Backstreet Fantasy World
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 159
--------------------------------------------
This joke might have been posted earlier, so sorry if it was.

A women gets out of the shower and walks over to the mirror, naked. She complains to her husband about how she wishes her breasts were larger. Every day, for 3 years, this woman complains to her husband about this. Finally her husband gets so sick of listening to her complaing he tells her that he knows of a way to make them bigger. The woman is very curious and asks how this is possible. The man tells her tha all she has to do is rub some toilet paper between her breasts and they will get larger. The woman is bewildered, and asks how he knows this will work. The husband replies..."Well it worked with your @$$ didn't it?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm
still a hole behind you."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but
realistically, we're living with two sluts."

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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LoL, some of these jokes are so funny! They crack me up and remember...they keep me in a good mood. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif
~Mike

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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LMAO

origami monsters take over Central Park

film @ 11

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:

1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

2. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again--then quit. No use being a fool about it." ~ W.C. Fields

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was so good!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector they asked him where the money was.

The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He also says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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That was awesome! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:50 PM

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
--------------------------------------------
Good one Red...LoL! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
~Mike

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh crap."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssholes."

"What? He had two @ssholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two @ssholes.'

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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Those are great Red! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said `That`s once.`

We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.'

We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That`s once."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is:

Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Where do you get all these joke Red?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Most of them are ones I've received in email over the years and a lot of them are from the back of my mind. I remember jokes and stupid trivia facts and forget the important stuff.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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That's cool! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Who needs that important stuff anyway...j/k

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
No offense to anyone from Arkansas...

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
Now I know everone is enjoying these, but I could use some help...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager excitedly, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11508
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Aww..we wov you..LMAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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I'm tryin to help Red, honestly I am.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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I know, I just like giving ya'll a hard time...

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11508
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The members of *NSYNC and BSB were both walking down a street and they spotted a bottle. One member from *NSYNC and one member from BSB rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie told both groups that she would grant them both one wish.
One of the members of BSB looked at the rest of his group members and looked back at the genie and said, "We want a city where we are the only musical group so we have no competition."

The genie granted the wish and placed the BSB in a giant city and built a large wall around the city so no one could get in or out.

The genie then turned to the members of *NSYNC and asked them what wish they wanted to be granted. One of the members asked, "How thick and tall is that wall?" The genie said, "50 ft thick and 150 ft tall."

The *NSYNC member looked back at his fellow members and they all smiled. Then he told the genie his wish, "fill the city with water."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Juju ~ LMAO!!!

Red ~ Eww... Eww!!!!!1

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3785
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That was pretty gross Red. But I love sick humor like that.

[This message has been edited by BSLover (edited July 11, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle
went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney
Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her
husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of
here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his
wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to
Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't
go out to Coney Island?"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
- The Ultimate Redneck Jokes

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

Never take a beer to a job interview.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the

sheets.

You might be a redneck:

If you go to weddings to get rice for dinner.

If the level in your pool goes down when your
neighbor flushes.

If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

If your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four
relatives
to figure out how to fix it.

If your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If none of your shirts cover your stomach.

If bikers back down from your momma.

If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

If someone asks to see your ID and you show them
your belt buckle.

If your dad walks you to school cuz you're both in
the same grade.

If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack,"
and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

If your fish finder cost more than your boat!

If while mowing your yard, you find a car.

If you use the same tree as your dog.

If your wife gets caller I.D. so she can tell
which
bar you're calling from.

If the keyless entry system for your car is a coat
hanger.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
LOL! I love redneck jokes.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon,and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
--------------------------------------------
Ok, you guys have probably heard this one before, but I'm going to post it anyway. Hopefully some of you will find it funny...one of my friends told me this and I found it quite funny.

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, a Smart Blonde, and a Dumb Blonde are walking down the street and they see a dollar on the ground. Which one of the 4 pick it up?

The Dumb Blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny or a Smart Blonde...LoL! Don't you guys find this funny? http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[This message has been edited by AGuyNamedMike (edited July 13, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
This isn't a joke but I found it humurous...

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.

The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.

The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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You're losin' it Red..

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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I'm about to single-handedly beat EVERY joke on ALL of these pages..with these few words..

I'm dead sexxxy! (http://www.geocities.com/lonely451_2000/me.html)

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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ROTFLMFAO!!!

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Told ya...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Juju's the winner! I guess we can all stop posting jokes now... NOT!!!

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Now Mon..jealousy is unbecoming.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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edited for Juju and Mon

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited July 14, 2000).]

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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..that made me cringe..

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Sorry, my supply of jokes is running low. I'll have better ones soon.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Red, I so gotta agree with Juju on that one. It made me cringe.

*shudder*

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't
looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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This one is kind of long but goes along with pirate thing we've got going...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue
to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to
the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed
"Good Lord almighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins.. "the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".

The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"?

The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked, lying in the bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heaven's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in - you look like an !"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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ROTFLMFAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....... BUT CAN'T!

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a
paycheck.

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/redface.gif

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says
that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,

"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terribled situation would say, "it could have been worse." Everyone in the town
was tired of hearing Jack say that so one day they decided to lie to Jack. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself!
Isn't it terrible???" Then Jack said, "well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could THAT possibly be worse?" Then Jack replied, "well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Three guys were discussing how drunk they got the night before. The first one says "I was so drunk, I blew chunks all night!" The second one says, "I was so drunk I passed out in an alley!" The third one says "That's nothing, I got so drunk I brought home this dame I didn't even know and had sex with her. Then my wife walked in!" The first guy says, "Uh...I don't think you two understood how drunk I was... Chunks is my dog."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're
out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened.

Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lizard Pecker says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3785
--------------------------------------------
I love that one about Chunks. It's so sick, yet funny.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man decided to go ice fishing one day. He took a large auger with him, found the right spot, and started drilling. When the hole was almost complete, a mystical voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The man fell to his knees, looked in every direction, but saw nothing. However, just to be on the safe side, he walked about 50 feet away and started a second hole. But just as he was completing the hole the same voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Astounded, the man looked all about him, and moved on to make a third hole. Just as he was completing the third hole, the same voice thundered, "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's , but licked my index finger?"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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LOL!!!!!

Eww...

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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*dies*

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue."

When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "Let see. It's from Sony. OK! I got it! It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
--------------------------------------------
I think I have you all you beat. Check out the topic In For a Good Laugh. It is funny as all hell.

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Sorry Guy but Juju still has all beat buy a long ways. It's back a few pages...

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
--------------------------------------------
I think this comes in a very strong second. My friend gave me this link in an email today. It is very hilarious. Everybody should see this. Red is the only one that saw it, but I think everybody should see it. It is called Shouldn't You Be Working? (http://www.shockwave.com/bin/shockwave/entry.jsp?content=joe14)

Enjoy!

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
I saw it... And I agree with Red, Juju still has everyone beat, and I think some of Red's come in a close second to yours... Sorry Guy.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the
legs showing.

He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the
best job possible. The professor announced that the test
would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common
name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying
characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.

He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking
at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached
the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's
your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You
guess buddy! You guess!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell
me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her **** . After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!! That was a good one Red!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No."

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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are those trading cards?? LOL

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?

A robber snatches watches.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot
cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top
with a ragged old rope.

Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you
change the rope?"

The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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When the first grade class came in from recess, The teacher asked, "Alice Smith, what did you do at recess?"

Alice said, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher said, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Alice did, and got a cookie.

The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess. Billy Johnson said, "I played with Alice in sand box."

The teacher said, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Billy did, and got a cookie, too.

The teacher then asked Little Tyrone Kabali what he did at recess. Tyrone said, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher said, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read, "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. Being an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
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Napster Bad! (http://www.joecartoon.com/buddies/chaos/index.html)
Look at My Monkey (http://www.joecartoon.com/new/monkeylooker.html)

I got all theses from www.joecartoon.com (http://www.joecartoon.com)

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney
"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show
"I get a total brain fart and I don't know what to say"

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. -LIVE "The Dolphin's Cry"

"Don't try to find the answer
When there is no question here
Brother let your heart be wounded
and give no mercy to your fears--Live "Run to the Water"

[This message has been edited by Guy_Britney_Fan2 (edited July 20, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next
Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in
this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would
like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and
said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and
read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your
hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk
to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested
the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't
have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a
bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a "pinata"?

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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in case of emergency:

bend over

grab your legs

wave your butt in the air like a rabid panda

...or like lucky...you decide

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Justin4ever!
Elite Member

Registered: May 2000
Posts: 685
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Okay I'm taking this down in 10 minutes so get it while it's hot..

No..this isn't meant as a diss or anything this is just something that struck me funny..

Here in Indy, Christina tickets are now BUY 1 GET 1 FREE due to lack of ticket sales.

The worst part is..I taped the commercial so I could watch it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

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Informer
Member

Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 36
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"The Voice" is not the choice... LMAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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LMAO!!!!!!! That's funny

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:51 PM

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Mon, that's frickin hilarious!

..and I have it on tape not once, but twice http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears. Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson. He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again. After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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LMAO! Good one Mon.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook and takes the last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. SHe realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slow."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a
busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play.
When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan
to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them
said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and
gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off
three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite
him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to
the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a
dollar."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after
much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you
two dollars."

The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he
said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle
with a lousy farfle!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Good one Red! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Grrrrr at those darn CA fans. They stole our (my) idea for a joke "area" (as they call it). Grrrrrr....... I was actually wondering how long it would take them to finally steal the idea and make one of their own..... Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I wonder how long it will take for our jokes to start showing up over there...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Good question... They already have 6 pages worth of jokes... hmm, I wonder...

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I'm not accusing them of copying, but I already saw a couple of the jokes that I posted, appearing in their "area".

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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I saw that too...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Proper Training is Very Important

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sweing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Oh dear...

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
LMAO that was gross but really funny.. Red do you mind if i copy that joke and send it to some friends?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I don't mind, go right ahead.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard,
get a softener.

Your dog has worms,
get him shots.

Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
During the Gulf War, an Air Force jet crashed in the Sahara. The pilot and co-pilot bailed out. Landing on the ground, they saw nothing but sand for miles and miles.
They walked all day, becoming hungry, and drinking the last water in their canteens.

After a few more hours, crawling across the burning sand, they came across the body of an Iraqui pilot. He had been there for a few days, and was decomposing.

Being hungry, the co-pilot started eating the dead man.

The pilot just watched.

After a short rest, they continued their trek.

A few hours later, the co-pilot became violently sick, and vomited.

Quickly, the pilot scrambled over to his buddy, and said, "I knew if I waited long enough, I'd get a hot meal."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
thanks Red

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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LMAO!!! Good ones Mon.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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When the bus arrived at its stop, the gorgeous woman at the head of the line tried to climb aboard but couldn't because of her tight- fitting clothes. Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her outfit was too snug, so she lowered her zipper again. Unable to climb aboard, she adjusted it a third time, but again it wasn't enough to allow her to step up.

Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her onto the bus.

"Who do you think you are to touch me in that way?" the woman asked him angrily.

"Well, ma'am," the man replied, "after you undid my fly, I thought we were pretty good friends."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
LMAO...Mon those were funny..

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Thanks Red. I decided I was gonna try to finally top the jokes that you post (if that's even possible).

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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May the best jokester win! Good strategy by the way, I've already posted most of my best material...

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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WooHoo!!! Well, I think I have an endless supply now! *evil grin*

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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i ran outta jokes back on like page 10

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for many years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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LOL that was gross

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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LMAO! - Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.

Nancy is in bed with her lover, Bill, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy's house, she picks up the receiver. Bill looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation...

"Hello?" says Nancy. "Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye."

As she hangs up the telephone, Bill asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," Nancy smiles, "that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Edna went into her local Arkansas branch of Victoria's Secret to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.

Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work. When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"

Ralph took just one look and said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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funny

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you S.O.B.'s who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you S.O.B.'s who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because were leaving."

Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.
He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I ****ed the cream out of it first!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
An Eskimo woman drives her snowmobile into town to get it fixed. She goes to the mechanic and tells him the problem and the mechanic tells her that it will take him a while to fix it. He tells her to go across the street to a nice restaurant where they are having a special on fish and to come back when she is done.
She comes back two hours later and asks the mechanic for her snowmobile.

The mechanic gives it to her and says, "You blew a seal."

She looks at him and wipes her mouth and says, "No, that's just tartar sauce."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.

The three men agreed to take it.

In the middle of the night, all three woke up.

The man on the left said "I had a dream that some one was holding my dick!"

"Same here!" said the man on the right.

"Strange," said the main in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.

Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"

A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Oh man... Red, that was gross!

One day this lady who can't seem to keep a boyfriend longer than a week comes to the doctor.
She tells the doctor that there is something wrong with her. She asks the doctor to check her private parts and tell her whats wronge.

After the checkup the dotor tells her that she is perfectly fine and nothing is wrong with her.

She does not believe him so she goes to a second doctor. She explains again, and the doctor gives her a checkup, but after the checkup she gets the same results. The doctor suggests that there is an old Chinese doctor down the road and she might want to consult him.

She arrives to the Chinese doctor, and she explains her problem. The Chinese doctor says "oksoo oksoo, you go next to tree. You pull down pants, you look at me between legs."

She feels strange, but does what he says. Suddenly the doctor yells, "okso okso, you have Zactly desease".

She gets scared and asks "what's Zactly desease? Am I going to die?"

"No Zactly desease is where your ass looks Zactly like your face."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"

The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . .
green . . . orange . . . orange."

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children **** on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're s!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
Red your first one was gross...
Mon good one...

here's one

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobies . Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited July 25, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
EWWW... red that was gross..

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked
down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked
down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end
of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a
cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one,
too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he
got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the
Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

http://www.fun-e-cards.com/frog_tran_s.gif

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second moron got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire. You do what you have to."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
I'm back and so are the jokes...

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When"

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet". Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all ...." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...". Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's reaction and he said, "I'll buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife."

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldn't keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, "Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest." His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chet's skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chet's right and left foot. "What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time?" asked the man's wife. "I don't know sweet, lets try it and see."

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet, the bird began to sing: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse!"

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TrueB&B
Member
Location: the crashing LD server room!
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 68
--------------------------------------------
Here's some computer humor I just ran across...

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

User has insufficient intelligence for this operation.
Insert new user and click OK to retry.

error 101 : More than 100 errors

Cannot delete tmp150_3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space.
Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.

You need to supply a fax number in order for your request not to receive fax notifications to
be processed.

Windows application has caused the page fault error

"VFS: Root device: Prepare for Armageddon."

Error 20000: No error.

Unix humor, actual returned messages:

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can`t open food in cans

% got a light?
No match.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer
with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some @sshole's got my pen!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it - we're closed.

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
what did i make red do

go dumdum crazy
and hit me baby one more time

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
what did i make red do

go dumdum crazy
and hit me baby one more time

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
This one is one the gross side so read at your own risk...

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."

The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."

The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."

Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
in this pet store theres this parrot that wont shut up

it kept saying

hungry feed me

a person wlked by and said i dont got no food and the bird kept repeating that

somebody walked by and said shut up
and u know what happened

the next day somebody walked by and said i think ill take him

and the bird said shut up ya birdbrain

i know pretty dumb

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can **** on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to ****
the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5163
--------------------------------------------
I got this in an e-mail:

No offense to blondes, I'm a blonde too.

Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!> >> >
> > A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming>from
> > the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
>sweating
> > and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries >the
> > woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
> > his4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding >in
> > your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down >and
> > storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open>the
> > wardrobe door Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering>on
> > the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's
>having a> > heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer. Well, he’s not bad, replied the owner, but I have a different one in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. Ah, said the buyer. This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you. The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.

This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. You’re joking! he exclaimed. This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog. I know he appears tame now, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat. Just where do
we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a
good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly,"
gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,
I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and
pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging
at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more
than three hours too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they
actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely
worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold
while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the
week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a
writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:52 PM

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Welcome to the brand new, fun filled Britney Board Joke Corner. Due to recent events, the "old" joke corner had to be put to rest.

So, have fun, and let's get jokin!!!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story
of a central west couple who drove their car to ****** only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped
forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining
her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
head.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Two dogs, a great dane and a chihuahua were sitting at the vet one day. "What are you here for?" the great dane asked the little dog.
"I was caught having amorous relations with the neighbors cute little poodle and I'm here to be neutered", the chihuahua answered sadly, "What are you here for?"

"Well you see" the great dane responded " I was sitting in the kitchen one day when my mistress bent over the stove, and I just couldn't resist, I mounted her and went to town!!"

"Oh my god!!" the chihuahua exclaimed, "So you're here to be neutered too?" "Nah", replied the great dane smugly, "I'm here to get my nails trimmed and see if they can do something about my breath."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!", which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMAO!!!

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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Mon just to let you know I just saw a TV commercial ( don't know what for though cause I wasn't paying attention) and the girl was saying I'm coming, I'm coming, and the first thing I thought of was me too me too. you corrupted me!! lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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LMAO!!! Sorry man... http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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it's okay its a good coruption to.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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I'm glad to hear that. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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My Ass

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMFAO!!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif hhhhhhaaaaa hhhhaaaaaa.

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
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rotflmao

aiight here's a joke 4 ya:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3846
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ROTFLMAO Bustin. That one's great. I've never heard it before.

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!!!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
glad u liked dat 1..here's more:

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, opens his trench coat and flashes them. Two of the old ladies have a stroke, but the third doesn't cause her arms aren't long enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!! all I got to say is I wonder who liked it more!

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited September 11, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took
a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man
began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst
about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a
psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife
have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as
they come."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left.

The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a
fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He
then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of
good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
exclaimed.

"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:53 PM

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
LOL...good 1 http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

3 Men in a bar

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"
He responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."
The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
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LOL

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his
fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was
anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle
to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What
is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher
will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle
asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy
said, "Eleven."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch." The other says that he cannot tell.
So a woodpecker lands on the small tree. The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMFAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The
new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I
can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his
hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and
yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a
man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a
thing!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one
hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the cow.'"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

1st. man was an Engineer, 2nd. man was an Accountant, 3rd. man was a Chemist, 4th. man was a Government worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed NOW that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave.

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
The real story of Jack Schitt
The next time someone tells you "You don't know Jack Schitt", you will be able to tell them the whole story.

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee Deep Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt their first passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have one son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number named Pisa Schitt and they await the arrival of Little Schitt.

NOW NO ONE CAN TELL YOU THAT "YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT".

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
What do you call an redneck with sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the
$100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to
GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president
was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little
boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you
note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending
the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
Lol. clinton. lol.

* checks under desk to see if anyones there*

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
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let's have some on topic jokes http://www.efgforum.com/~smiles/laugh.gif

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
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LMAO Red

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Scooby-Doo like to travel on airplanes?
A: Because he gets jet wag!

Q: What is Scooby-Doo's pet cow named?
A: Scooby-Moo!

Q: What is the difference between Scooby-Doo and a marine biologist?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a Whale!

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Twisted Sister

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothes. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well Dad," said the boy, " I challenged Larry to a fight, and I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LOL!

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
>sweating
> > and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries >the
> > woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
> > his4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding >in
> > your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down >and
> > storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips openthe
> > wardrobe door Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering> on
> the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's
>having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids.

Men:

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to> pick
only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

> >> > Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
> > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.> >

> > Q: What is the difference between men and women...
> > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...> >
> > A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.> >

> > Q: How does a man keep his youth?
> > A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.> >

> > Q:How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> > A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
At the Gate to Heaven

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack."

The gate keeper said, "Wow, that's horrible." Then he asked the second man how he died.

He replied, "Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me."

"That, too, is horrible," said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith
the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Overpopulation

One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring,
then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," replied the priest, "your legs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
marriage

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: "Rothmans." So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body.

She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.

When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be.

The artist said let's get another opinion. He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw.

He replied, "Well..... that looks like Billy Joel on her left, and Paul McCartney on her right, ...... and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
Willie nelson LMAO!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and
say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it
didn't move, so it must be dead.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences
with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when
Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during
the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat,"
"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on
him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then
proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense
before detail."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
LOL!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you" said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382"
"Wow", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair...can I have my dog back?"

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

Almost Doesn't Count

A driver is pulled over by a police car one afternoon, and when the officer comes up to the window he asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver responds "No officer I don't." The officer replies "You ran that stop sign back there." "Well I slowed down to see if anyone was coming" responded the driver. "Step out of the car sir" As soon as the driver stepped out the officer began to hit him with a knightstick. "Do you want me stop or just slow down?"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO I really hope it's not what I'm thinking!!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
LMAO....

Peggy Sue Likes To....

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes,
wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He
goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He
uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a
cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and
to hissurprise, music begins playing:

"On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside.
The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the
Medical Eaminer over to the corpse.

"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the
examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road
again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed
with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked
the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any can sing
country music."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they
appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I
instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in
nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit
every branch on the way down

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**************** PAGE 5: ****************
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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to
him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the
ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so
I reckon I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy,
but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women.
When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me
think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out that I'm a lesbian.

--------------------------------------------
sophisticatedmoma
Mod Squad
Location: Dallas TX
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2262
--------------------------------------------
Funny story.......

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top,
Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of gay **** in our garden."

*Sorry if that offends anyone, I just thought it was cute from the kids point of view*

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SomeGuyNamedMike
Peeper Supreme
Location: Undisclosed
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 3411
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
LOL!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Ten Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you
say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to
see exactly how good they were. They were each given 200 drug
addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were
called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress
when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs
immediately. In disbelief he was asked how. Simple he stated, on one
side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the
other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on
drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs. At this time another
psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my
addicts to drop their habits immediately. Then he was asked how.
Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said
this is your brain. Then on the other side I drew a really big circle
and said this is your butt hole when you go to prison.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Judi and Amanpreet were deep in a philosophical argument.
(Well, deep for them, at least.)

"Since you're so damned smart," Amanpreet says, "answer
this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread
falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"

Judi snorts, "It doesn't ALWAYS land on the buttered side.
Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the
cupboard. Out comes the butter from the 'fridge. She
generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter
side up.

"Ha. See, 'Preet. You ARE a moron. Just like Ray said."

"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side
of the bread!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!

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ajs#1fan
Elite Member
Location: barberton,Ohio
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 370
--------------------------------------------
Why are guys so smart during sex???

Because they're plugged into a genius.

~*Jen*~

------------------
"They call me coffee cause I grind so well"-AJ
"See ladies, us guys got something to offer" Nickolas
"Yeah baby,no diggity"-Kevin
"We're the Backstreet Boys obviously"-Brian
"And that is sheepesist"-Howie
Brian and Kevin what the hell took ya so long to propose?? Congrats to them!!-me

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sophisticatedmoma
Mod Squad
Location: Dallas TX
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2262
--------------------------------------------
LOL! How true! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school
one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose,
but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug
store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not
waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms
for sale. The pharmacist replied, why yes, we have them three for a
dollar. Johnny replied, I'll take three then. When the pharmacist
tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six
cents. Johnny said, wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I
thought you told me they were three for a dollar. The pharmacist
replied... that's the tax we put on them. Little Johnny said, oohh, I
thought they stayed on by themselves.

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Dear Friends:

Yes, this is a chain letter. It won't cost you anything, but like
most chain letters, you've got to follow the directions exactly.

Bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the name at
the top of the list. Then, add your name and address to the
bottom of the list, remove the first name from the list, and
send this to your five closest friends.

When your name reaches the top, you'll receive 15,625
women, ONE of which has to better than the one you've got
now. Don't break the chain or you're liable to wind up with
your old lady again!

Thanks,

Willie C

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol. yes he is a slick willie

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Bix,threetwosandaBBQ
Elite Member
Location: Sitting in limbo
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 5254
--------------------------------------------
Two men walked into a builing. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

http://www.angelfire.com/va2/era/images/eek3.gif

--------------------------------------------
*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?" She answers, "Your horse just phoned."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember,when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and ***** -slap the pest.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three
days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
_________________________________

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!"
______________________________

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time
will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there
any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season
pass?"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and
there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he
was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull
was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the
ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got
there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more
worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe
continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when
I sat down beside her."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was
done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly
now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said,
"Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair,
mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
--------------------------------------------

LMAO @ Bix

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
in a freak mall accident britney spears and christina aguilera will buy the same pair of shoes
---------------------------------------------
?:what is an elephant and a rhino with the same body?
A:el if i know
---------------------------------------------
?:if a blonde and a brunnette were to fall out of an airplane who would fall first?
A:the brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the
pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from
the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked
the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's
wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and
he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the
strawberries to fertilize them.

The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy
way to do everything."

They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it
up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry
patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma
coming to use the outhouse.

BABABOOOM!!!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She
lands in the strawberries!

They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are
you all right? Are you all right?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let
that one go in the kitchen!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
if you got 2 cookies why cant i have 3
-----------------------------------------
im gonna vote for britney spears cuz aaron carter is a dope!9my brother said that earlier today)
---------------------------------------------
you gotta respond for this one

i gotta joke

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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*~*angel*~*
Member
Location: where ever i am
Registered: Sep 2000
Posts: 24
--------------------------------------------
and....

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
and i forget it

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Pine Nut

A state trooper pulls over a disoriented driver on a lonely back road and says, "Hey buddy, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "That's your air freshener."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A
DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both
sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for
business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says
WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her
fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and
Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."

Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"

"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."

Johnny hands her a nickle. Kathy then says, "So, what
do you want moved, Johnny?"

"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!" Johnny starts
cracking up laughing.

Kathy thinks for a few seconds. She then turns to Nellie and
softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the
**** out of this kid."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO I can see both happening. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited September 30, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The Sunday School teacher had been helping the children
learn about the Ten Commandments. One morning she asked,
"Can anyone could recite the next commandment?"

Immediately Little Johnny said, "I can! I can!" And proceeded
to say, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how
backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.

Your future father-in-law,

Bob Smith, Ph.D.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
"Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made
cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time
was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went
off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity
finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through
her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed
as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a
little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life.
She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God
could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat
among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she
sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the
same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter
read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it.
However, I received only $90. It must have been those
bastards at the post office."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him
his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my
wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as
her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That
sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to
her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and
decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth
control for the entire time they had been married, so they
thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they
problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she
was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her
the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a
miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her
husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi
soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they
found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side
of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,
lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted
back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol at them all. The fish in the passage one was funny.

You guys got good jokes.

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited October 03, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river
or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the
morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so
he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his
bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO.

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:54 PM

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2619
--------------------------------------------
I just saw a promo for the new movie "Lady's man" (from the spoof on SNL)...

the guy was tryin' impress some girl, and he said something like:

Baby, you're just like a Nacho Supreme from Taco Bell, you're RICH..... BEEFY.... and Nacho cheese covered... LMAO!!!!! http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol, see stupid pickup lines.

Brit doesn't like them she likes people to be real with her and not kiss her but. ( you know what I mean)

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited October 03, 2000).]

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LOL.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education
instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One
day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

--------------------------------------------
*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Trade Secrets

A man went to the police station asking to speak to the thief who had broken into his house the previous night. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant said. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife . . . I've been trying to do that for years!"

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Helen's husband had a terrible habit of letting go with an absolutely GIGANTIC fart every time he woke up in the morning. His wife's warnings that one day he was going to fart his guts right out had no effect on Sam.

One Thanksgiving morning Helen was up early preparing turkey dinner when the perfect way to stop Sam's disgusting habit came into her head. She took the giblets from the turkey, snuck into the bedroom, and very carefully dropped them down the back of Sam's shorts. Sam work up and cut a huge fart, but when he rolled over onto his back he felt something strange.

Fearing the worse, he ran into the bathroom, and Helen was gratified to hear a terrifying shriek through the closed door. When she came up the stairs to check on him, Sam was white as a ghost and dripping with sweat. Holding up two fingers, he said, "My God, Helen, you were right! I farted my guts right out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back in!!!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did.

Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother. She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Mother says "Sure why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
LoL....that one was funny

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO. Mon those are funny. good job or do I mean messy job. http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/tongue2.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
D'OH... didn't work!

[This message has been edited by Monarchy (edited October 07, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had
happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what
really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the
biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack,
so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for
her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and
ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again
the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten
up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went
to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing
the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her
dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you
didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that,
so I shoved it back in."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the
crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way
down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing
so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I
was being the 'Ring Bear' . . . "

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO, That must have been one big wedgie lol.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LOL at the ring bear!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next
week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his
beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the
rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be
indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted
with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was
because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he
died?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you
the money!"

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**************** PAGE 9: ****************
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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LOL. thats got to **** when your wife calls out other mens names in bed.

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip,
but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his
hotel if there's any place to get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his
room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the hell did
you put on this pizza?"

The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza
what you ordered: 'pepper only'."

--------------------------------------------
Gossip20002001
Member

Registered: Oct 2000
Posts: 33
--------------------------------------------
What did Britney say to her mother when she dropped the plate on the floor?? "Oops Ma, I did it AGAIN!! - Hey, that sounds like a SONG!!" http://talk.livedaily.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

--------------------------------------------
*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Elementary Logic
A little boy had not given up ****ing his thumb, though his mother had tried everything to discourage the habit. Finally, she warned her son that, "If you don't stop ****ing your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The boy took a few brisk steps towards her, pointed sternly at her belly, and said, "Ooooo... I know what you've been doing!"

George came home from the doctor looking very worried. "What's the problem?" his wife asked. "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." "I know," said George, "but the doctor only gave me four pills!"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side
was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach
you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went
inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who
looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you
must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Er, yes," the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson."

Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes
back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the
end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only
sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots
water into the young man's face.

"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man
shouts at the old man.

"There. You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies,
"That'll be 50 dollars."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young
girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and
made her way to New York where before long, she became a
successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she
had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began
asking her about her work. She explained that she was an
acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing
she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with
wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the
penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without
me bloomers on!"

--------------------------------------------
*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle of perfume. "That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd like to see something really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror.

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor
was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she
asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who
appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple
question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he
hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had
mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long
before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he
kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth.
The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an
assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting
next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is
empty?"
"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."
"And why is it empty?"
"She died."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a
friend to come to the game with you today?"
"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her
funeral."

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and
you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so
miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he
said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing
suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

---------

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering
the question of whose profession was the oldest.
"I think my line of work would win this one hands
down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from
Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."
"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order
was created out of chaos. That was architectural
accomplishment."
"Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone
had to create the chaos."

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the
backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle
house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the
man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, an old man called from
inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that
guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with
you."

---------

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad
here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season
ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol at mon's jokes.

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shy_girlie_16
Elite Member
Location: NC
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 380
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3 nuns died and were waiting to get into heaven. Before they were let into the gates they had to answer a question correctly. The first nun was asked,"Who was the first women on earth?" The nun said,"Oh that's easy, it was Eve." The bells chimed the gates flew open and she walked in. The next nun was asked,"Who was the first man on earth?" The nun replyed,"Oh that's easy, it was Adam." The bells chimed the gates flew open and she walked in. The third nun was asked,"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The nun thought for a moment and replyed,"Hmmm, that's a hard one." The bells chimed the gates flew open and she walked in. images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
A new teacher started her class by saying, "everyone who thinks they're stupid can stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood. "Do you think you"re stupid, little Johnny?" she asked. "No ma'am," he replied," but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men
were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!"

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**************** PAGE 10: ****************
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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him

if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.

The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A corporate executive received a bill from the law firm that
was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly
billings for conferences, research, phone calls, and
everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive
knew that the company would have to pay for each of these
services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of
the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -$125.

-------------------

It has been said that the United States has the best
congressmen money can buy.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------

It was a particularly tough game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close
calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown
and a field goal. When the official called yet another close
one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his
top.
"How many times can you do this to us in a single
game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you
were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal
tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but
he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the
game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU
STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent
down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the
ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
"And how do I smell from here?" he called.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
"I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one of
his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a slump
before."
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only
eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd done
was four hits in a game.
"We have to try something different," the manager said
to his batting coach.
"What do you have in mind?" the batting coach asked
warily.
"I'm going into the batting cage myself," the manager
said.
The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager
was desperate, willing to try anything.
With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the
first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the
third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked
the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned
around, and stared at his players. "That's how you guys look
at the plate!" he yelled. "Now get up there and HIT the ball!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn't looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence
set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a
question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was
wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner
himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.

Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown,
and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held
even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without
leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that.
However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile
of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and
that's where he leaves the dirt."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to
prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to
the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was
very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off
all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered
his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't
know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they
would recognize."

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:54 PM

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*LatinaGurl_2000*
Elite Member
Location: Chris Land...*Sigh*:D
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 398
--------------------------------------------
5 Good Reasons Not To Be A Penis images/smilies/smile.gif

First of all,you're bald your entire life.
Second,you have a hole in your head.
Third,you live between two nuts.
Fourth,an lives behind you.
Finally,When you get excited,you throw up and then you faint.images/smilies/biggrin.gifimages/smilies/smile.gifimages/smilies/cool.gif
__________________
http://www.geocities.com/Sniper232/LatinaGurl.jpg
Thanks again Christina Aguilera 2000!!!!

*Britney+Christina Fan 4 Life*

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
images/smilies/nik_eek2.gif lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are
you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said, "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
she asked.

-------------

Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody
just sent a fax message to every member of our state
legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The
press has found out everything." Both houses of the
legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman
whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he
heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be
long. We have only three more items to buy."
A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in
another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the
shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay,
Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about,
Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all."
When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman
was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like
to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm
while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing
things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from
getting upset."
The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then
laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's
name is Kate. I'm Natasha."

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**************** PAGE 11: ****************
---------------------------------------------------------

2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's
weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds."
Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So
they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed
Rose's weight correctly.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round.
After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I
want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end
the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the
evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were sitting in a bar. Jack comes in and
sat down next to the woman. As he sipped his drink, Jack
ogled the woman until her husband, incensed, demanded that
Jack stop looking at his wife, and that he wipe those filthy
thoughts out of his mind.

Jack said, "Hey man, I wasn't ogling your wife; I wasn't
thinking any filthy thoughts . . . back off buddy. I just came in
here for a piece of beer."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
images/smilies/biggrin.gif

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meluvice
Elite Member
Location: Southern California
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 549
--------------------------------------------
Ok say "I am sofa king we todd did" out loud a few times (until you get it haha)
-------------
Say "i" now spell MAP and say NESS, not put it all together and wudda ya get? images/smilies/smile.gif *make sure to follow the directions carefully*
-------------
I dunno if someone posted this (cuz im sure as h e l l not reading every page, but here is it anyway

A smart blonde, a brunette and a unicorn were in a race. Who would win?

The brunette cuz the other 2 dont exsists (blondes dont take this personally)
-------------
How do you confuse a blonde?

Give her skittles and tell her to alphabetize them!
---------------
ok this is REALLLLLLLLLY stupid (my brother told me he got it from a joke book)
Why couldnt Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.
--------------

Then heres a kinda stuipd one! but i heard it yesturday! What do you give scooby-do when he has a fever? mustard
becuase thats what you put on hot dogs
-----------

wanna hear a dirty joke? a horse fell in the mud wanna hear a clean joke? the horse took a bath with bubbles. wanna hear a dirty joke ? bubbles was a girl

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:55 PM

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
Hey I'd take a bath with bubbles too, that horse is very smart. images/smilies/biggrin.gif images/smilies/wink.gif

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman
whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he
heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be
long. We have only three more items to buy."
A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in
another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the
shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay,
Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about,
Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all."
When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman
was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like
to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm
while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing
things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from
getting upset."
The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then
laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's
name is Kate. I'm Natasha."

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
DOUGH BOY DIES

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Famous Amos, Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Duncan Hines, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The grave side was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was neaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children, with one more in the oven.

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
One day Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him.
After listening to him the lawyer said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange."

Mickey replies, "No, you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was strange, I said she was ''''ing Goofy!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A guy goes into the saloon in a little town in Montana. He has a few beers and then he says "Clinton is a horse's ass" - and the guy standing next to him bashes him upside the head.

After he recovers from that and has a few more, he says "Clinton and his boss Hillary are both horses' asses!". Several people give him dirty looks, and the two nearest guys beat the '''' out of him.

A few minutes later, he recovers, looks around the room and yells, "I still say Clinton is a horse's ass!!". Everybody in the place jumps him, and he is beaten to a pulp.

Hours later, he wakes up and everyone is gone except for the bartender. "Wow", he says, "I didn't know there were that many people left who were stupid enough to be Democrats".
The bartender says, "There wasn't a Democrat in the house - they're all horse ranchers."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A well off young man was moving from one street to another,
a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving
crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with
a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's
clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house.
But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides,
and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms
and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden
and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous
exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated
person who had been watching his labors from the opposite
side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

4-everBrit's#1fan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:56 PM

LOL that some strange stuff!:D

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 03:56 PM

ok, that's it, both joke posts :p

WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! *wipes brow*

[Edited by TrueB&B_BritFan on November 2nd, 2000 at 04:36 PM]

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:22 PM

Red50

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:26 PM

You da man, True!!! http://www.geocities.com/tjwillis50/biggrin.gif

Monarchy

Nov 2nd, 2000, 10:00 PM

Thanks True! :D

You shoulda put credits at the very beginning of the posts. :p

Red50

Nov 4th, 2000, 09:05 AM

A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that
he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was
curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As
he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to
the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He aid to
his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your
chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these
chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what,
Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked
in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in.
He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's
right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from
your mother."

Ghost347

Nov 4th, 2000, 09:08 AM

Why don't girls fart?

Cause they don't close their mouth long enough to build up the pressure... :p

Red50

Nov 4th, 2000, 09:10 AM

LOL!

Monarchy

Nov 4th, 2000, 07:48 PM

Reattaching Limbs

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe
wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching
limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in
5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim
is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim,
throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim
cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and
Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come
back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back early in 6 hours
the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer
field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim,
kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head
off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest
of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are
really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said
regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

Brit 3:16

Nov 4th, 2000, 07:52 PM

lol.

Red50

Nov 6th, 2000, 04:29 AM

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's
office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A
few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a
shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the
market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one
it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

Monarchy

Nov 6th, 2000, 10:29 PM

During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice
president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem
accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were
staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in
the middle of the night.
Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded
into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false
alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security
chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of
what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I
thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

Red50

Nov 7th, 2000, 04:34 AM

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how
to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the
librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked
her and went back to his search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite
distraught. "I justcan't find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

Monarchy

Nov 7th, 2000, 08:57 PM

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going
to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while
I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a
member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that.
But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

-------------

It isn't necessary for a politician to fool all the people
all the time. A majority on Election Day is enough.

Red50

Nov 8th, 2000, 04:32 AM

A traveling salesman was passing through and old farming
town when he decided he needed to get some sleep. He
stopped by an old farmer's house to see if he could get a room
for the night.

The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay at his house but
warned him to stay away from his young daughter. The
salesman agreed.

To make sure the salesman kept his word, the farmer
discreetly placed three fresh eggs above his daughters door. If
the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know of the
salesman hanky-panky with his young innocent daughter.

Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into
the young girl's room and did his deed. And of course, broke
all the eggs. He and the young girl spent the rest of the night
gluing the egg shells back together and placed them back
upon the top of the door.

The farmer got up the next morning and checked his
daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place.

He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided
to fix them breakfast with the eggs he had used.

He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. Same with the
second and third eggs. Nothing inside. The farmer thought to
himself, "I am no dummy! No one can fool me!" and stormed
out the door in sheer anger. He stood on his porch and
hollered "Okay, I want to know the truth...Which one of you
roosters is wearing a condom!?"

Monarchy

Nov 8th, 2000, 08:47 AM

LMAO!

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street
interviews about the upcoming mayoral election. "I'm not
voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I
don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I
know them all."

--------

"I don't make jokes, "Will Rogers once said truthfully. "I
just watch the government and report the facts."

Brit 3:16

Nov 8th, 2000, 11:34 AM

LMAO.

Monarchy

Nov 9th, 2000, 06:51 PM

A guy is near to the end of his Senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother. Who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "LETTUCE" if she wants it harder and
"TOMATO" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" She screams. "Lettuce!!Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!" Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

Red50

Nov 9th, 2000, 06:54 PM

Ewwww! LMAO!!

Brit 3:16

Nov 9th, 2000, 07:01 PM

ewwwwww LMAO. i wonder if it tasted good.

Monarchy

Nov 9th, 2000, 07:09 PM

3:16 :eek: I can't believe you said that!

Brit 3:16

Nov 9th, 2000, 07:19 PM

lol, hey I'm being really dirty. I could have said worse but thats the cleanest I could get it.

Red50

Nov 10th, 2000, 04:30 AM

A woman walked into the doctor's but didn't like the way he was
looking at her. When he told her to undress she asked him to turn
out the lights before she disrobed. After he turned out the lights
she said:

"Where will I put my clothes?"

"Hang them up over here," he replied, "next to mine."

Red50

Nov 10th, 2000, 04:33 AM

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and
beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say '@$$hole!'
afterwards!"

*LatinaGurl_2000*

Nov 10th, 2000, 05:24 AM

:D LoL!!!!!

Brantley022

Nov 10th, 2000, 08:00 AM

Funny.

Red50

Nov 11th, 2000, 06:35 AM

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the
South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent
a blinker- light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back:
"I'll bet you say that to all the ships."

Red50

Nov 11th, 2000, 06:37 AM

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for
promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant
Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said,
"This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a
flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you
do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would
get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate
environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel
said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the
First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in
front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said

Red50

Nov 11th, 2000, 07:30 AM

A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a
genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out and
said,"I will grant you one wish." The man thought for
a minute and said, "Well, I never have gone to Hawaii
because I never could afford it. Could you make a
highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over
anytime?" The genie sighed and said, "Man, I have been
in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite
tired. Can't you think of something a little more
simple?" The man thought and said, "Well, you know, I
have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I
still can't understand her. Can you make it so I can
from now on?" The genie sighed again and said, "Two
lanes or four?"

Mike2

Nov 11th, 2000, 07:33 AM

LMFAO!

Monarchy

Nov 11th, 2000, 05:43 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house ans went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever!

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty
....
.....
.....
.....
...........
My computer keeps saying,
"YOU"VE GOT MAIL!"

Brit 3:16

Nov 11th, 2000, 08:48 PM

LMAO. I know a couple of blonds that would do that too.

Red50

Nov 15th, 2000, 05:59 PM

http://www.geocities.com/tjwillis50/VotingMorons1.gif

Brit 3:16

Nov 15th, 2000, 06:27 PM

LMAO.

Red50

Nov 16th, 2000, 04:36 AM

I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you
believe it?! I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket
doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to
pick those winning numbers.

The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so
I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I
really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give
me the money anyway! They really shouldn't make those darn
cards so hard to fill out! Even though I was confused, I didn't
ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway.

I know the FL State Lottery will give me the money. If they don't
I'll just sue them!

Monarchy

Nov 16th, 2000, 08:59 AM

LMAO!

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do
things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He
had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general
go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out
for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large
thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up
the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he
said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a
few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about
six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black,
and two decaf."

Monarchy

Nov 16th, 2000, 09:01 AM

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a
terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for
a similar job. One blank on the job application called for
the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

-----------------

The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.
"Don't take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor
three times a day and pick them up one by one."

Monarchy

Nov 16th, 2000, 09:30 AM

The first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring
at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The
teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer
wants to know what your name is." Then she walked over to the
next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My
name is David."

Monarchy

Nov 16th, 2000, 09:31 AM

"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes, I am."
"How much do you charge?"
"A thousand dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that pretty steep?"
"Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

Monarchy

Nov 16th, 2000, 09:34 AM

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's
office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce
proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure,
he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been
married for over seventy years. What in the world could have
happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in
your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She
cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the
children were dead."

TrueB&B_BritFan

Nov 16th, 2000, 09:43 AM

The previously rejected FL ballot...

http://www.federalist.com/images/Floridab1.gif

Brit 3:16

Nov 16th, 2000, 11:41 AM

LMAO yall are too funny. :D:D

Monarchy

Nov 20th, 2000, 07:47 PM

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for
its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to
the loading area automatically, its doors opened
automatically, the steps came out automatically. The
passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed,
and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice
intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully
computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run
electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go
wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Brit 3:16

Nov 20th, 2000, 07:49 PM

lol.

Brit 3:16

Nov 21st, 2000, 12:59 PM

Don't kill me for this one cause this is a little overboard but I heard it today.

Why do women have pubic hair?

to make it not look completely like a taco. :eek:

Red50

Nov 22nd, 2000, 10:28 AM

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no
legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides
he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the
head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and
sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've
spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before
the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

Monarchy

Nov 22nd, 2000, 11:43 AM

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully
prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the
encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they
thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection,
love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled
contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she
came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

Monarchy

Nov 22nd, 2000, 11:46 AM

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man
said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying
for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I
don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to
take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Monarchy

Nov 22nd, 2000, 12:13 PM

"Woman"

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
*

Brit 3:16

Nov 22nd, 2000, 02:10 PM

LOL.

4-everBrit's#1fan

Nov 22nd, 2000, 02:22 PM

hi u all! :) how's it goin?

*~bsbgirl15*~

Nov 23rd, 2000, 07:36 AM

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th.
I'm telling you so early because it's so important.
I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU.
It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U;
or you may miss the importance of the event without it.
So go now, and mark your calendars.
Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget:
May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U.......and one blond shorty...

Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?"

Red50

Nov 27th, 2000, 04:25 AM

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was
near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole
asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the
general store to pick him up some tobacco.

She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their
tab.

So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back.
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how tick de ice vas..."

Monarchy

Nov 27th, 2000, 08:33 PM

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'
dinner. This is to be her first time
meeting the family and
she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine
meal. The woman is
beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness
and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains
are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table
heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed, her
boyfriend's father looked over at the dog
that had been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a
rather stern voice,
"Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a
big smile came
across her face. A couple of minutes
later, she was beginning to
feel the pain again. This time, she didn't
even hesitate. She let
a much louder and longer fart rip. The
father again looked
and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought
"Yes!". A few
minutes later the woman had to let another
one rip. This time
she didn't even think about it. She let
rip a fart that rivaled a
train
whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog
with
disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get
away from her
before she ''''s on you!"

Monarchy

Nov 27th, 2000, 08:36 PM

Men Get Even

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up as it sometimes does.

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife
explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive
outfits. She can't decide.He tells his wife to take all three of
them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes
worth $200 each.

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of
diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she
doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The
husband says "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then
let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I'm ready to
go, let's go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying
all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "Honey - I just
want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode
as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs
as a Man."

Monarchy

Nov 27th, 2000, 08:40 PM

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions,
a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and
said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first
aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she
tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she
said, "I'm already here."

-----------------

I harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off
his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six
or seven of my students to England," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to
drive on the left side of the road-legally."

Monarchy

Nov 28th, 2000, 07:04 PM

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his
property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of
a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood.
The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out
to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver
asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said,
"Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?"
the driver asked.
"Nope."
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which
direction it is from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't
know very much, do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

Red50

Nov 29th, 2000, 03:42 PM

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to
find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these
words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her
some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her
shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't
wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that
new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color
didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of
yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave
the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your
wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

Red50

Nov 29th, 2000, 03:43 PM

Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house
was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing.
He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though,
the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he
decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you
moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you
know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised
his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold.
Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race
horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the
bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife,
suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone
very long."

"That's right."

"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could
see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing
out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting
down!"

Red50

Nov 29th, 2000, 03:44 PM

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.
"Salvation Army," was the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

Red50

Nov 30th, 2000, 04:31 AM

Ho Ho Ho,

Hello out there all people of the world.

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas
may be a little late this year.

See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found
some problems with the results.

The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver
presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe
Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To
help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm
on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it
might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear
to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they
meant.

You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used
were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were
just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't
even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to
decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no
presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the
story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these
times,

Santa

Red50

Dec 2nd, 2000, 06:34 AM

"Toddler Property Laws"

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.

Red50

Dec 4th, 2000, 04:25 AM

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating
that the electric company would like to run a power line
through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field,
the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the
pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish
man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

Red50

Dec 4th, 2000, 02:45 PM

Little Johnny was asked to say Grace before Christmas dinner.

He thanked The Lord for his Mommy, Daddy, his siblings, and all his Aunts and Uncles who were gathered. He then gave thanks for all the food - turkey, stuffing, yams - right down to the Cool Whip. He then paused, looked up at his Mom and asked, "If I thank Him for the broccoli, won't he know I'm lying?"

Monarchy

Dec 5th, 2000, 09:38 AM

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like
two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir,
but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of
chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of
chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no
chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir,
will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in
chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she
screams.

Monarchy

Dec 5th, 2000, 09:40 AM

Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the
work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

-------------

The patient lifts his hand above his head and says,
"Doctor, it hurts every time I go like this."
"Well, don't go like that," the doctor says.
"Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my right foot."
"Have you ever had this pain before?"
"Yes."
"Well, you've got it again."

-------------

A vacation is a period of travel during which you find that
you took twice as many clothes and half as much money as you
needed.

Monarchy

Dec 5th, 2000, 09:45 AM

Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU
has lead to the creation of set definitions that may be used
when discussing its meaning.

1. Big Time Unemployment
2. Buy Thermal Underwear
3. Bill's Tax Utopia
4. Being Totally Unfair

--------------

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read
them as a group.

Red50

Dec 6th, 2000, 04:23 AM

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and
servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are
painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an
arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must
find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes
across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the
boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the
center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows
into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I
hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you
into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must
tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I
paint the target around it."

Red50

Dec 6th, 2000, 04:24 AM

If it was true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

peanutzip

Dec 6th, 2000, 05:35 AM

funny jokes guys. mon, that one about the ice cream was in my friendly's when i was working on sunday :D

Monarchy

Dec 6th, 2000, 09:14 AM

Thanks PZ. :D

While the brokers were busily calling potential
customers to drum up business, the president of the firm
stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee. He listened as the
young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their
stock portfolios to him.
The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been
listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability.
Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"
"Yale, sir," the young man answered.
Impressed, the boss said, "Oh, that's fine, just fine.
And what's your name?"
"Yackson," he replied.

Monarchy

Dec 6th, 2000, 09:16 AM

If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American.

-----------

Democrats eat the fish that they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

-----------

Republicans sleep in twin beds -some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.

[Edited by Monarchy on December 6th, 2000 at 09:19 AM]

Monarchy

Dec 6th, 2000, 09:17 AM

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of
me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work
area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah,
whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" .wav receiving e-mail, & not a
chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest
record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year
contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at
work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails
aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my
job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10
minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file
cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling
on me.

Monarchy

Dec 6th, 2000, 09:20 AM

I've heard there's a new programming language out from
University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.

There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very
formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language
either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating
environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an
even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.

Personally, I don't think either will be around in four
years.

Red50

Dec 7th, 2000, 03:56 PM

Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?

Monarchy

Dec 7th, 2000, 11:29 PM

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of
boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He
pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass
lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so
he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and
guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd
never have to work ever again."

POOF!
He's back in his government office.

Red50

Dec 8th, 2000, 05:40 PM

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief..... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to
survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Red50

Dec 11th, 2000, 04:29 AM

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what
happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I
opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front
porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

Red50

Dec 11th, 2000, 04:30 AM

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings,a
man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I
saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I
buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke
with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and
since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last
year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning
and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale!
Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park
area, beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we
have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.
OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his
hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Monarchy

Dec 11th, 2000, 10:15 PM

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a
bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE...............He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft
before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's
already there.

Monarchy

Dec 11th, 2000, 10:19 PM

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and that they might call the police before he even
reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his
spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor.

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit
slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The
Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the
man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

Monarchy

Dec 11th, 2000, 10:21 PM

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came
home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she
yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a
bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled
again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to
buy any perfume!"

Red50

Dec 12th, 2000, 10:37 AM

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Red50

Dec 13th, 2000, 04:30 AM

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and
replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go
there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his
friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In
The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for
some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame
opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts
and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just
licked the third one!"

Red50

Dec 13th, 2000, 04:30 AM

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor
did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can
remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,
or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there
-- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, "Pay me in advance."

Red50

Dec 13th, 2000, 03:45 PM

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each
child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box
Better late than . . . pregnant

Monarchy

Dec 14th, 2000, 11:14 AM

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Monarchy

Dec 14th, 2000, 11:15 AM

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

Monarchy

Dec 14th, 2000, 11:41 AM

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,
give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Monarchy

Dec 14th, 2000, 11:43 AM

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

Red50

Dec 14th, 2000, 01:31 PM

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and
had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood
and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I
would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.
She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name
is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a
baby . . . if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in
the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is
Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to
help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"

Red50

Dec 15th, 2000, 04:14 AM

A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years
finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was
thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution,
decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering
doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life
and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former
mistake.

"I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of
my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am
released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I
trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is
something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a
new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for
books on science for the general public. Or I might even write
a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can
always continue to be a teakettle."

Monarchy

Dec 15th, 2000, 09:54 AM

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs
be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about
the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic
beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up
with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead
animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Monarchy

Dec 15th, 2000, 10:08 AM

The couple have not been getting along for years, so the
husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her
birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't
get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Red50

Dec 17th, 2000, 02:22 PM

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."

Red50

Dec 18th, 2000, 04:25 AM

Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental
institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind
you.)

One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he
wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally
competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail,
however, they'd be locked away for another five years of
observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to
the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The
doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60
feet in the air.

The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."

Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the
pool, breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."

Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the
empty poll, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells
Amanpreet, "Jump."

Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically
and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just
tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"

"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim."

Red50

Dec 19th, 2000, 04:28 AM

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour
longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't
worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ...
we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Red50

Dec 19th, 2000, 04:30 AM

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of
infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been
he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing
and he-ing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing
and she-ing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that
everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister
shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can
he be the only one without sin?

"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here
who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do
you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about
me-ing and me-ing!"

Monarchy

Dec 19th, 2000, 06:39 PM

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like
to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New
York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000
feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a
little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at
you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of our flight attendants.
This is a recording."

Monarchy

Dec 19th, 2000, 06:55 PM

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman
was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman
turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old
man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave
him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent
some time there once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Monarchy

Dec 19th, 2000, 06:57 PM

Did you read in the newspaper about the guy that was found
dead in a hot tub full of milk with a banana in his mouth?

They think it's a serial killer.

Red50

Dec 20th, 2000, 04:02 AM

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a
homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint
Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Monarchy

Dec 20th, 2000, 09:00 AM

A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
Her boss called her into his office and said, "Now look
Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's
over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as
you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling
said, "My lawyer."

Monarchy

Dec 20th, 2000, 09:01 AM

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!"

ButterflyAngel

Dec 20th, 2000, 03:15 PM

This is pretty cute, lol! :D

"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
+$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
==========================================
"Oil Change Instructions For Men"
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in
process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil
change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of
oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December 1992 in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to
(match!!!!)
$1,000.00 Bail
+$200.00 Impound and towing fee
$1,350.00 Total

Monarchy

Dec 22nd, 2000, 09:34 PM

Monarchy

Dec 22nd, 2000, 09:35 PM

Monarchy

Dec 22nd, 2000, 09:35 PM

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large
company and hands the executive his application. The
executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the
applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is
terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive
in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least
I'm not a quitter."

Monarchy

Dec 22nd, 2000, 09:35 PM

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were
Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary,
none of this would have happened in the first place."

Ephrils

Dec 25th, 2000, 01:57 AM

I on't have anything to add :D I just really like tihs thread.

*smack*
To the top with you!

Ghost347

Dec 25th, 2000, 08:02 AM

LOL!!! Ephrils...you kill me! :D:D:D

Ghost347

Dec 25th, 2000, 03:48 PM

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Monarchy

Dec 25th, 2000, 03:48 PM

This just in:
FedEx and UPS are merging.

New name: FedUp

Monarchy

Dec 25th, 2000, 03:50 PM

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the
same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the
third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did
for a living. When they all replied that they were
contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear
fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give
me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it
out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I
figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400
for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for
my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said,
"$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't
even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire
the guy from Texas."

Monarchy

Dec 25th, 2000, 03:51 PM

What has 12 teeth and 150 eyes?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Monarchy

Dec 26th, 2000, 09:09 AM

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting insects?

Tim: Don't bite any.

Monarchy

Dec 26th, 2000, 09:09 AM

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who
is closely examining something held in his fingers. The
lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets
curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like
rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to
roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it
closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic
and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did
you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Monarchy

Dec 29th, 2000, 01:47 PM

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows
him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the
kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

Monarchy

Dec 29th, 2000, 01:48 PM

Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there is
no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?

Monarchy

Dec 29th, 2000, 01:50 PM

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a
cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and...'"

Monarchy

Dec 29th, 2000, 01:51 PM

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice it."

Red50

Dec 29th, 2000, 02:02 PM

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him
to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones,
Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Ephrils

Dec 31st, 2000, 05:46 AM

I'm bumpingthis because 1) I really like this thread and 2) I want to have something to add to it one day. Which isn't today unforunately :( But this is a worthwhile thread to keep close to the front of the board, so I say...

*smack*
Find ye the top most point of the board!

Monarchy

Dec 31st, 2000, 06:04 AM

You don't have to bump this thread to the top. You also don't have to worry about it being pushed down to oblivion never to be found again. Red and I make sure this thread gets bumped up when we have new jokes which is quite often. If this thread gets bumped off the first page and you can't find it all you have to do is search the forum for it, the furthest back it's been pushed is the 3rd page.

I'm glad you like this thread, that was the sole reason why I originally started it. And I'm happy to learn that you would like to contribute one day. Just please don't worry about bumping the thread.

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:07 AM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."

--------------------

Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a
thousand women if they would sleep with the President.

95% replied, "Not again."

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:07 AM

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:08 AM

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to
die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the
guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the
device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is
spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the
guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the
device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is
spared and released to go free.

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the
guillotine. The executioner reaches for the lever to activate
the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I
think I've figured out your problem!"

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:09 AM

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:10 AM

The Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

**disclaimer: Does not apply to Nikki!

Monarchy

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:10 AM

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done
about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a
week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-
hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Red50

Jan 4th, 2001, 06:25 AM

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has
a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks
her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Red50

Jan 4th, 2001, 07:40 PM

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After
the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the
knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes
his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris
is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to
further coupling which is again successful after which the
octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door
and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're
a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here
already?"

Monarchy

Jan 5th, 2001, 01:40 PM

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and
confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked
what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one
day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week,
came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat
home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the
expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman
nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I
have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for
the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Red50

Jan 9th, 2001, 04:20 AM

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third
surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes
in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when
the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon
shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are
the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine,
and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Monarchy

Jan 13th, 2001, 05:39 PM

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By
the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he
was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at
his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He
tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen
and more painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a
maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water,
not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and
the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say
Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to
soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to
use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my
maid said hot water."

Monarchy

Jan 13th, 2001, 05:40 PM

An opening line:

Boy to girl: I'll bet your mom is a good
baker.

Reply: What makes you think so?

Boy to girl: Cause you've got some nice
buns.

Monarchy

Jan 13th, 2001, 05:41 PM

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon
discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very
intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first
editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the
gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me
with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is
removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion
and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand
violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world."

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Monarchy

Jan 13th, 2001, 05:43 PM

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to
burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very
pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite.
The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises
were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard
moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely
shaken."

Red50

Jan 15th, 2001, 08:16 PM

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front..

3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

6. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.

7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.

8. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Red50

Jan 17th, 2001, 04:23 AM

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and
a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing,