OT: Advice Needed Please

[lost_n_justin's_smile]

Ok, I have a question for you guys.

A boy from my town just passed away yesterday after a 14 month battle with a brain tumor. He was 19. I went to high school with his sister but we never spoke. She was popular and had her group of friends and I had mine. I never even got a chance to meet her brother and I don't know the family, but I'm really taking his death hard. When he was diagnosed, the local newspaper did a story on him and since this town is so small, I'm willing to bet that most people know his story.

It might be the future social worker in me coming out, but I feel like I should do something for the family and to honor his memory. I want to send the family a sympathy card but I feel really weird doing it since I don't even know them. I wanted to do something once before for another family facing a tough time and my friends told me that it would be odd receiving cards or other things from a stranger. I want to do something but I don't want to cross any boundaries.

What would you guys do?

Thanks for the advice!

[SparkleHugs]

I think it would be totally weird.

Just write about how its affecting you.

[Sunfire]

If it's a story written about in the paper, and most of your town knows the story, I don't think it would be weird to send a card. At work, we do lots of stories where strangers help out other strangers in need, and those people are always so thankful. And also, sometimes if someone dies, strangers will leave flowers/candles/whatever at the scene(like at a car accident scene or whatever). I think it's nice that you would do that.

[lost_n_justin's_smile]

Thanks guys. I think the reason I want to do something so badly is because I will be working with kids who have cancer so much in the future, I feel that I need to do something. Plus I found the website of a little girl a few years ago who had the same type of tumor as this boy. I saw how much her family struggled after she passed away, and her Dad was so grateful when I reached out and did something in rememberance and honor of her.

The family set up a scholarship fund in his name so I thought about donating so money to that or their charity of choice, Make A Wish. I still might do that, but my Mom told me to just send a card. She's going to do the same.

[PrincessTimberlake]

As someone who's best friend's brother died a few years back, which was a big story here in my tiny town, I say wait and see if they set up a memorial fund and then donate to that as your way of showing support for the family.

Because of the way that he was killed, it was a huge story here and

I think that would be just as much to them, if not more.

Thats my suggestion from experience.

[SparkleHugs]

My rule of thumb has always been when in doubt dont talk to strangers. lol

[lost_n_justin's_smile]

In small town Ohio life there really are no strangers. I've learned that the hard way. My Mom's family has a last name that a lot of people recognize because she grew up here. I've been asked before by people I've never met in my life "are you so and so's grandaughter or niece?" And I'm standing there going 'yeah, who the heck are you?'

[SparkleHugs]

A stranger is someone you have never met before. so they may know your grandmother, but they still dont know you. lol

and I realize the dynamics of growing up in a small town in Southern California is different than in the midwest, as Lindzey points out every time she is here...lol but I still say you take Em's advice and donate to a fund if one is available. If my brother passed away, and some stranger came up to me, or sent something I would have a wtf who is this person attitude, i mean, the gesture would be nice, but thats just making me obligatory to be friendly to this strange person instead of spending time with my family or curling up in a ball and crying in my bed...which is what I think I would do in the situation.

[Sunfire]

No, it's not making you be friendly to that person... I don't think that is the point of a card.

Seriously. We do stories like this ALL the time. I see this ALL the time, strangers helping out, sending cards, leaving flowers.. every single time, the person has appreciated it. It's just a card. And it could mean so much to that person.

[lost_n_justin's_smile]

Honestly, I don't even care if they send me a thank you note or if the family ever speaks to me. That's not the point. I know they're hurting. I just want them to know that his story was an inspiration to me. I guess I just want to think that I helped to ease their pain in some way, no matter how insignificant my gesture was.

I might still donate to the memorial fund too...it's a soccer and tennis (his sports) scholarship fund so it'll definitely benefit some kids in our town. I don't know...if I donated something like I wanted to to every memorial for a kid I know who died, I wouldn't have any money left.

That's definitely the future social worker in me coming out. LOL!

[Sunfire]

Exactly. You don't expect anything back... you just want them to know that people are there for them, whether they know you or not. I totally get it, and I think it's really nice!

Whenever we do stories like that, I always think... I hope that I don't ever have to go through anything like that, but if I did... it would be neat to receive cards from people that care, even if I didn't know them.

[lost_n_justin's_smile]

You know, it's amazing how tragedy can bring people together. When I was a senior in high school, two girls from my school died in a car accident. People sprung into action and made rememberance ribbons and buttons with a picture of the two of them. Everyone wore one. It was very touching.

When this happened, I read the article about his diagnosis in the newspaper during the summer. As soon as I read what type of tumor it was, I knew it wasn't going to be good, barring a miracle. When I went back to school, I'd call my Mom periodically to ask if she heard anything about him. She never did but my brother would ocassionally hear things at school. When I heard that he passed away on Sunday it was all my Mom and I could do not to cry. Because you sit there and think "Wow, I can't imagine what his family is going through". On the other hand, you also think about how good it is that he is no longer in pain. Mixed emotions

[pinky]

I just came back from a wake for a 19-year-old who committed suicide last Sunday. :cry: I've been friends with their family since right before PJ was born (we actually met at a Mass for expectant families; my water had broken that morning, and I met this boy's mother there when I insisted on sitting at the end of the pew in case I had to run to the bathroom).

Anyway, I know there are people there tonight that this couple don't know, but the fact that so many people thought enough of their son to come and pay their respects means so much to them.

Lanie, go with your instincts. They're usualy right.