The ULTIMATE Britney Board Joke Corner!

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:42 PM

please don't post in here until I'm finished... thank you (check the last post for something like "ok, I'm done"

)

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:43 PM

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ok, this is where you post any and all jokes that you can think of. They can be original or others. It doesn't matter, we just need some humor.

I'll go first.

*knock, knock*

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Cool_Kat
Senior Member
Location: NY
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 150
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Who's There?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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...

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 29, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Rash

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2565
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Who's there? (I don't think Mon is! LOL)

Mon... come-on are ya gonna leave us all hangin' like this!!!??? Yeeeeesh!

Oh there she is! OK... Rash Who?

[This message has been edited by TrueB&B_BritFan (edited June 29, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Rash Limbaugh, that's who.

hehehe...

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Oh dear....

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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This joke is so cheesy, but, the answer is, it doesn't matter because pigs can't fly. I told you it was cheesy. It's not very funny...sorry. I think it's totally dumb.
Mike

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Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'.
-Britney Spears

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TrueB&B
Member
Location: the crashing LD server room!
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 68
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*BOOOOOOOOOOO* *HISSSSSSSSS*

Just kidding!! LOL

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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I heard this joke in Kindergarden and I think it is kind of funny still but sick. What if a man didn't have any toiletpaper?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Do I wanna know? LoL!
Mike

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Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'.
-Britney Spears

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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It's finger licking good. Ain't that nasty? For a kindergardener?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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that's gross..but funny

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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this one is kinda stupid but some what funny...

Little old lady to dog owner: "Is that your German Shepherd outside?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, my cat just killed it."

"Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?"

"It got stuck in his throat."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked
lawyer?

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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i don't know what?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Chelsea

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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funny

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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That joke was so funny, thanks for the laugh Red50.
Mike

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Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'.
-Britney Spears

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ya'll are quite weird... But this is so cool!
I love all of the jokes so far!

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TheBritLVRkid
Elite Member
Location: Wouldn't You Like To Know.....
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 786
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There is this cliff where when you jump off of it you can wish for whatever you want. So these three kids go to the cliff. The first kid jumps off and wishes for feathers to land on. The second kid jumps off and wishes for pillows to land on. The third kid is afraid of heights, so he walks to the edge and looks down. All of a sudden there is a sudden gust of strong wind that knocks him over the edge, and while he's falling he says "Oh s***" and lands in a pile of poop.
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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation.

"Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were
unskilled laborors and diesel fitters were skilled laborors.

"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL!! Good one Red!!

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny
money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his
time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from
this batch of money, is to find a place where the people
aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a
small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man
behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a
$15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An
8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:44 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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LMAO @ Mon's

BTW this is crazy......but fun!

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name is Chuck" and the farmer shot him.

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol.....really good one Red!

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ButterflyAngel
Elite Member
Location: Why?...I didn't do it!
Registered: Feb 2000
Posts: 1283
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LMAO @ y'all! You guys are too crazy! Ghost, my thoughts exactly! Hehe!

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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How many pancakes does it take to build a dog house? Respond to find out the answer! Bye.
Mike

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Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'.
-Britney Spears

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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how many?

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL @ Red!!! That was a good one!

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as
bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first
fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to
do with the BODY?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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*L*

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:45 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol.... LMAO @ Mon!

That was a good 1!

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3717
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That was a good one. I'll pass it along to my fellow workers. They appreciate a good joke every now and again.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ewww!!! Ok, that was a little nasty! But it was still funny.

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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LOL
the bull joke was pretty gross but funny

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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I don't know. What?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Snowballs...

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Snowballs

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Ha Ha Ha. Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Damn, I'm so good that I sometimes scare even myself.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Yes Guy, I want to hear a dirty joke

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Ok. A boy fell in a puddle of mud flat on his ass.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Did you ever wonder how someone can fall flat on their ass? Unless you have an extremely flat ass, there is no way you can fall flat...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Ha ha ha.. Is that the best you can do?

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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Hey, I told you a dirty joke. I don't know what you were thinking.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Ghost347
Elite Member
Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :)
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2106
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Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle.

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:46 PM

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL!!!

Here's another sorta dirty joke for y'all.

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting
to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would
blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how
hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The
principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to
demonstrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the
toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.

From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

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~SurferGirl~
Elite Member
Location: Santa Cruz, California
Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 2779
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These are giving me a laugh, they are so funny!! Here's mine:

Two guys are in a locker room after their
racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second man,"that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No sh*t?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LOL!

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....hey Red u laugh really funny!

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Yea, well you smell weird!

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).]

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
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OK here is the real one I wanted to share.
Once there was a bad kid named Jonny Deeper. One day he stayed after school with his teacher to serve his detention. One day he got up and took the yard stick that was sitting on the ledge of the chalkboard. Then, Jonny asked his teacher, "Will you go in the closet with me."

Teacher said, "No, I will not go in the closet with you."

Jonny said, "I'll cry"

Then after falling for the "I'll cry" gag she goes in the closet with him.

Then, Jonny asked, "Will you take off your clothes?"

The teacher, "No, I will not take off my clothes."

Jonny replied, "I'll tell the pricipal that you were in the closet with me."

The teacher gave in and took off her clothes. Then, Jonny asked, "Can I stick thick stick up your ass?"

The teacher is like, "No, you can't stick this stick up my ass"

Jonny's reply, "I'll tell the principal that you were naked and in the closet with me."

Again the teacher let him stick the stick up her ass. As he was doing it his parents walked in. And said,"Jonny Deeper"

Jonny said, "I can't it's stuck"

I am not very good at telling jokes like that sorry.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Here's another one - it's not so nasty...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2565
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LOL, that's a good one Red!!! lol

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his
client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA
is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's
dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good
news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:46 PM

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NgcLuvsMe!
Senior Member
Location: Backstreet Fantasy World
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 159
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese! <--- That one is pretty pathetic

There was a blond who was trying to sell her car that had 150,000 miles on it. She knew no one would want it, so her sister told her of a guy who could help her with her problem, but it would be illegal. The blond was desperate to sell her car, so she went to see this guy. When he was finished with her car, the meter read that the car only had 50,000. A week or two later, the blond went to see her sister. Her sister asked if she had had any trouble selling her car, and the blond replied "Why would I want to sell me car? It only has 50,000 miles on it now!"

An old man and woman were in bed late at night making love. All of a sudden the man fell off the bed, dead. The woman franctically called the police. When they asked her what had happend, she replied "Well I thought he was coming...but it turns out he was going!"

A blond was driving down a curvy road one night. All of a sudden, a tree appeared on the left...so she swerved to the right. A tree was on the right...so she swerved back to the left. Another tree was on the left...so she swerved back to the right and crashed. The police came and asked her what had gone wrong, and why she crashed. The blond explained that there were trees and she had to swerve to get out of their way. The cop told the blond "Ma'am, there aren't any trees on this road. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth...."

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:47 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol lol lol

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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LOL!!! Those were good ones!!

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....c'mon any1 else???

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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this one is kinda stupid but...

Wrong Answer

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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LOL

That was a great one.

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:47 PM

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol..

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Funny Red! Thing is, I'm a blonde, but guys don't really get a bad rap for that though. I thought that was so funny. LoL.

Mike

[This message has been edited by AGuyNamedMike (edited July 04, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "How do you start a flood?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Bill, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
Three blondes are driving to Disneyland. After 4 hours on the road, they see a sign that says DISNEYLAND LEFT. So they turn around and go home.

A nun at a Catholic school is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Suzie declares "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzie repeats. "Oh thank heavens," says the nun. "I though you said a Protestant!"

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

[This message has been edited by Brit-rulz (edited July 05, 2000).]

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Halloween Costume

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so
when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear
a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to
Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few
days receives a package with the following note.

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will
cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the
costume."

Sam is furious with their 'solution', and returns the parcel, saying
he is trying to HIDE his peg leg...not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

"Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern.
Enclosed is a monk's habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your
bald head will look to be part of your costume."

Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are
idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note
which reads:

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head,
stick your peg leg up your butt, and go as a candy apple."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LMAO!!

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the
same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about
their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to
using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how
their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a
single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard
that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And
Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two
weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she
faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
This a retarded joke.

A monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any bananas?"
The Bartender says, "No."
"Got any bananas?" The monkey asks a second time.
"No," says the bartender.
"Got any bananas?"
"No."
"Got any bananas?"
"No! Are You deaf? Ask me one more time and I'll nail your freakin' lips to the bar!"
"Got any nails"
"No"
"Got any bananas?"

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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hmmm. sorry i didn't get it...

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
here's one..i know it's a little early for it but i's kinda good..

Thanksgiving Sayings
Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, but Aren't...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
Those Thanksgiving sayings had me on the floor.

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol..

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~SurferGirl~
Elite Member
Location: Santa Cruz, California
Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 2779
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for .

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

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4-everBrit's#1fan
Elite Member
Location: va in u.s.
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 877
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hi everyone...missed u all lots...real nice to be here again...been on vacation...& other things..had a very very busy summer!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
I never thought this topic would get this many replies. I am so proud of everyone. These jokes are hilarious.

There were these 3 guys, 2 of them walkied into the bar, the third one ducked.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very
depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm
35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this
advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks him, "What seems to be the problem?" Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:48 PM

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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lol....u guys r really good at this!

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
Things Most Women Will Never Say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ***

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ***!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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OMG... That is so funny, yet so true!!! I love it!

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
here's another good one..

Henry Ford

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians.'"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LOL! That's a good one. Here's another...

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do,"he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch biclighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie says. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol that's a good one..
here's another

it's kinda stupid

Identify the following sound

Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop, BANG, BANG, BANG, clippity
clop, clippity clop, clippity clop.

It's an Amish drive by shooting!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!! Those were good!

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol that was a good one.

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
LOL!!! That was a good one!

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't
wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LOL - those are good!

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I'm embarrassed.
After all these years, what is your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed. She said nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, said, "How soon do you have to know?"

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
--------------------------------------------
Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle.

ok I don't get that one

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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LOL @ all of you

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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Monica's Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned." Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3717
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That's pretty sick. Funny, but sick.

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:48 PM

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
lol

i know it's sick but i couldn't resist

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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LMAO @ Red. That's disgusting!

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Some of these jokes are very funny...LMAO...but sick at the same time. Oh well, I hope people keep posting them...I enjoy to read them...they keep me in a good mood.

Bye.
~Mike

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TrueB&B_BritFan
Elite Member
Location: Planet of the Goobs
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2565
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Yeah, and we DO NOT want to see Mike in a BAD mood!!!

- j/k!!!! lol

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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lol@Red

that was sick but funny

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:49 PM

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
--------------------------------------------
I think I feel a mood swing comming on...someone better post a joke soon...I'm going to crack. LoL...j/k

"Dancing Queen" just came on the TV and that song always put me in a good mood...LoL!

~Mike

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2226
--------------------------------------------
That is a good one. I don't have any jokes right now, but I have a funny experience. Here it goes. My freshman year in high school I took a trip to Orlando with the band. Well, it was the last morning we were going to be there so my friends and I decided to play a little joke on are teacher. What we did was my friend was calling him for something. So I snuck in his room and stole his hotel key so he would be locked out. So, my other roommate was in our room with his video camera taking taping him trying to get inside his room. He was pounding on the door and yanking on the door. See, when we showed the tape to the class and everybody was in for a good laugh. It doesn't sound all that funny right, but here is the catch. He didn't know that we did it. And turns out he was doing all that pounding and yanking on the door in his underware. No robe, no shirt, nothing but his underware. He even had to go down to the lobby just to get a spare key. It was well worth it. Eventhough, we only got a day of detention. That was the funniest thing we ever done to him. I wish I could of gone with them last year.

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"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
--------------------------------------------
Fresh out of the shower, a woman is drying off when she slips and lands spread eagle on the floor. Trying to stand, she realizes that she fell so hard that her crotch created a vacuum and she's stuck to the floor. She calls to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. He calls his neighbor and they both try to lift her up but she still won't budge.Then the neighbor says "Why don't we get a hammer, break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"
"Great Idea," says the husband "but just let me rub her chest a little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks the confused neighbor.
"So we can slide her to the kitchen," the husband replies. "The tiles are cheaper in there."

------------------
"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
LMAO! That must s*'''' when that happens...

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
--------------------------------------------
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

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genio_atrapado
Elite Member
Location: Oceanside, Ca usa
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 244
--------------------------------------------
does anybody know if the mummy had a nice vacation?

No one knows she was too wrapped up to ask her

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'mi luz mi cielo azul, mi gran amor aun por siempre tu'

[This message has been edited by genio_atrapado (edited July 06, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
--------------------------------------------
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each
buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a
single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their
respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no
tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom
where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "ticket please."

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**************** PAGE 9: ****************
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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES."

Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT."

His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."

He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.

The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

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marlon84
Elite Member
Location: Miami,Fla
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 1153
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LOL....u guys!

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BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Do you know what the difference between "naked" and "nekkid" is?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Well since nobody is gonna ask, I'll just tell ya...

Naked - you have no clothes on

Nekkid - you have no clothes on and your up to something

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NgcLuvsMe!
Senior Member
Location: Backstreet Fantasy World
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 159
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This joke might have been posted earlier, so sorry if it was.

A women gets out of the shower and walks over to the mirror, naked. She complains to her husband about how she wishes her breasts were larger. Every day, for 3 years, this woman complains to her husband about this. Finally her husband gets so sick of listening to her complaing he tells her that he knows of a way to make them bigger. The woman is very curious and asks how this is possible. The man tells her tha all she has to do is rub some toilet paper between her breasts and they will get larger. The woman is bewildered, and asks how he knows this will work. The husband replies..."Well it worked with your @$$ didn't it?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm
still a hole behind you."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but
realistically, we're living with two sluts."

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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LoL, some of these jokes are so funny! They crack me up and remember...they keep me in a good mood.

~Mike

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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LMAO

origami monsters take over Central Park

film @ 11

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:

1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

2. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again--then quit. No use being a fool about it." ~ W.C. Fields

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was so good!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector they asked him where the money was.

The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He also says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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That was awesome!

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:50 PM

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
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Good one Red...LoL!

~Mike

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh crap."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssholes."

"What? He had two @ssholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two @ssholes.'

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Brit-rulz
Elite Member
Location: Long Island, NY
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 275
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Those are great Red!

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"I got it under control!" - Britney

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said `That`s once.`

We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.'

We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That`s once."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is:

Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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Where do you get all these joke Red?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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Most of them are ones I've received in email over the years and a lot of them are from the back of my mind. I remember jokes and stupid trivia facts and forget the important stuff.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3876
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That's cool!

Who needs that important stuff anyway...j/k

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5677
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No offense to anyone from Arkansas...

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

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**************** PAGE 11: ****************
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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Now I know everone is enjoying these, but I could use some help...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager excitedly, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11508
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Aww..we wov you..LMAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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I'm tryin to help Red, honestly I am.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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I know, I just like giving ya'll a hard time...

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11508
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The members of *NSYNC and BSB were both walking down a street and they spotted a bottle. One member from *NSYNC and one member from BSB rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie told both groups that she would grant them both one wish.
One of the members of BSB looked at the rest of his group members and looked back at the genie and said, "We want a city where we are the only musical group so we have no competition."

The genie granted the wish and placed the BSB in a giant city and built a large wall around the city so no one could get in or out.

The genie then turned to the members of *NSYNC and asked them what wish they wanted to be granted. One of the members asked, "How thick and tall is that wall?" The genie said, "50 ft thick and 150 ft tall."

The *NSYNC member looked back at his fellow members and they all smiled. Then he told the genie his wish, "fill the city with water."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Juju ~ LMAO!!!

Red ~ Eww... Eww!!!!!1

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3785
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That was pretty gross Red. But I love sick humor like that.

[This message has been edited by BSLover (edited July 11, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle
went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney
Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her
husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of
here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his
wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to
Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't
go out to Coney Island?"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
- The Ultimate Redneck Jokes

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

Never take a beer to a job interview.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the

sheets.

You might be a redneck:

If you go to weddings to get rice for dinner.

If the level in your pool goes down when your
neighbor flushes.

If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

If your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four
relatives
to figure out how to fix it.

If your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If none of your shirts cover your stomach.

If bikers back down from your momma.

If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

If someone asks to see your ID and you show them
your belt buckle.

If your dad walks you to school cuz you're both in
the same grade.

If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack,"
and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

If your fish finder cost more than your boat!

If while mowing your yard, you find a car.

If you use the same tree as your dog.

If your wife gets caller I.D. so she can tell
which
bar you're calling from.

If the keyless entry system for your car is a coat
hanger.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
LOL! I love redneck jokes.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon,and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

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AGuyNamedMike
Elite Member
Location: Britney Land
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 375
--------------------------------------------
Ok, you guys have probably heard this one before, but I'm going to post it anyway. Hopefully some of you will find it funny...one of my friends told me this and I found it quite funny.

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, a Smart Blonde, and a Dumb Blonde are walking down the street and they see a dollar on the ground. Which one of the 4 pick it up?

The Dumb Blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny or a Smart Blonde...LoL! Don't you guys find this funny?

[This message has been edited by AGuyNamedMike (edited July 13, 2000).]

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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This isn't a joke but I found it humurous...

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.

The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.

The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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You're losin' it Red..

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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I'm about to single-handedly beat EVERY joke on ALL of these pages..with these few words..

I'm dead sexxxy!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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ROTFLMFAO!!!

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Told ya...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Juju's the winner! I guess we can all stop posting jokes now... NOT!!!

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Now Mon..jealousy is unbecoming.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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edited for Juju and Mon

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited July 14, 2000).]

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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..that made me cringe..

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Sorry, my supply of jokes is running low. I'll have better ones soon.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Red, I so gotta agree with Juju on that one. It made me cringe.

*shudder*

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't
looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
This one is kind of long but goes along with pirate thing we've got going...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue
to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to
the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed
"Good Lord almighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins.. "the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".

The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child"?

The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked, lying in the bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heaven's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in - you look like an !"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
ROTFLMFAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....... BUT CAN'T!

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a
paycheck.

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says
that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
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Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,

"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terribled situation would say, "it could have been worse." Everyone in the town
was tired of hearing Jack say that so one day they decided to lie to Jack. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself!
Isn't it terrible???" Then Jack said, "well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could THAT possibly be worse?" Then Jack replied, "well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
Three guys were discussing how drunk they got the night before. The first one says "I was so drunk, I blew chunks all night!" The second one says, "I was so drunk I passed out in an alley!" The third one says "That's nothing, I got so drunk I brought home this dame I didn't even know and had sex with her. Then my wife walked in!" The first guy says, "Uh...I don't think you two understood how drunk I was... Chunks is my dog."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're
out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened.

Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5795
--------------------------------------------
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lizard Pecker says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3785
--------------------------------------------
I love that one about Chunks. It's so sick, yet funny.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man decided to go ice fishing one day. He took a large auger with him, found the right spot, and started drilling. When the hole was almost complete, a mystical voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The man fell to his knees, looked in every direction, but saw nothing. However, just to be on the safe side, he walked about 50 feet away and started a second hole. But just as he was completing the hole the same voice thundered, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Astounded, the man looked all about him, and moved on to make a third hole. Just as he was completing the third hole, the same voice thundered, "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's , but licked my index finger?"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
LOL!!!!!

Eww...

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
--------------------------------------------
*dies*

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue."

When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "Let see. It's from Sony. OK! I got it! It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
--------------------------------------------
I think I have you all you beat. Check out the topic In For a Good Laugh. It is funny as all hell.

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Sorry Guy but Juju still has all beat buy a long ways. It's back a few pages...

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
--------------------------------------------
I think this comes in a very strong second. My friend gave me this link in an email today. It is very hilarious. Everybody should see this. Red is the only one that saw it, but I think everybody should see it. It is called Shouldn't You Be Working?

Enjoy!

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney

"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
I saw it... And I agree with Red, Juju still has everyone beat, and I think some of Red's come in a close second to yours... Sorry Guy.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the
legs showing.

He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the
best job possible. The professor announced that the test
would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common
name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying
characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their
legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.

He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking
at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the
professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached
the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's
your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You
guess buddy! You guess!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell
me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her **** . After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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LMAO!!!! That was a good one Red!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No."

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
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are those trading cards?? LOL

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?

A robber snatches watches.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot
cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top
with a ragged old rope.

Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you
change the rope?"

The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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When the first grade class came in from recess, The teacher asked, "Alice Smith, what did you do at recess?"

Alice said, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher said, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Alice did, and got a cookie.

The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess. Billy Johnson said, "I played with Alice in sand box."

The teacher said, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Billy did, and got a cookie, too.

The teacher then asked Little Tyrone Kabali what he did at recess. Tyrone said, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher said, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read, "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. Being an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."

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Guy_Britney_Fan2
Elite Member
Location: Britney Asylum
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 2236
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Napster Bad!
Look at My Monkey

I got all theses from www.joecartoon.com

------------------
"Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter.
"I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney
"If I get my sleep. I am not a pain in the butt." -Britney on the Today Show
"I get a total brain fart and I don't know what to say"

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. -LIVE "The Dolphin's Cry"

"Don't try to find the answer
When there is no question here
Brother let your heart be wounded
and give no mercy to your fears--Live "Run to the Water"

[This message has been edited by Guy_Britney_Fan2 (edited July 20, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next
Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in
this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would
like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and
said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and
read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your
hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk
to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested
the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't
have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a
bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a "pinata"?

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 453
--------------------------------------------

in case of emergency:

bend over

grab your legs

wave your butt in the air like a rabid panda

...or like lucky...you decide

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Justin4ever!
Elite Member

Registered: May 2000
Posts: 685
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Okay I'm taking this down in 10 minutes so get it while it's hot..

No..this isn't meant as a diss or anything this is just something that struck me funny..

Here in Indy, Christina tickets are now BUY 1 GET 1 FREE due to lack of ticket sales.

The worst part is..I taped the commercial so I could watch it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

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Informer
Member

Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 36
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"The Voice" is not the choice... LMAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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LMAO!!!!!!! That's funny

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:51 PM

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jujubear
Miss Congeniality

Registered: Dec 1999
Posts: 11509
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Mon, that's frickin hilarious!

..and I have it on tape not once, but twice

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears. Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson. He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again. After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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LMAO! Good one Mon.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook and takes the last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. SHe realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slow."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a
busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play.
When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan
to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them
said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and
gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off
three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite
him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to
the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a
dollar."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after
much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you
two dollars."

The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he
said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle
with a lousy farfle!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Good one Red!

Grrrrr at those darn CA fans. They stole our (my) idea for a joke "area" (as they call it). Grrrrrr....... I was actually wondering how long it would take them to finally steal the idea and make one of their own..... Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I wonder how long it will take for our jokes to start showing up over there...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Good question... They already have 6 pages worth of jokes... hmm, I wonder...

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I'm not accusing them of copying, but I already saw a couple of the jokes that I posted, appearing in their "area".

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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I saw that too...

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Proper Training is Very Important

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sweing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Oh dear...

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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LMAO that was gross but really funny.. Red do you mind if i copy that joke and send it to some friends?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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I don't mind, go right ahead.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard,
get a softener.

Your dog has worms,
get him shots.

Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
During the Gulf War, an Air Force jet crashed in the Sahara. The pilot and co-pilot bailed out. Landing on the ground, they saw nothing but sand for miles and miles.
They walked all day, becoming hungry, and drinking the last water in their canteens.

After a few more hours, crawling across the burning sand, they came across the body of an Iraqui pilot. He had been there for a few days, and was decomposing.

Being hungry, the co-pilot started eating the dead man.

The pilot just watched.

After a short rest, they continued their trek.

A few hours later, the co-pilot became violently sick, and vomited.

Quickly, the pilot scrambled over to his buddy, and said, "I knew if I waited long enough, I'd get a hot meal."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
thanks Red

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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LMAO!!! Good ones Mon.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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When the bus arrived at its stop, the gorgeous woman at the head of the line tried to climb aboard but couldn't because of her tight- fitting clothes. Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her outfit was too snug, so she lowered her zipper again. Unable to climb aboard, she adjusted it a third time, but again it wasn't enough to allow her to step up.

Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her onto the bus.

"Who do you think you are to touch me in that way?" the woman asked him angrily.

"Well, ma'am," the man replied, "after you undid my fly, I thought we were pretty good friends."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
LMAO...Mon those were funny..

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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Thanks Red. I decided I was gonna try to finally top the jokes that you post (if that's even possible).

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
May the best jokester win! Good strategy by the way, I've already posted most of my best material...

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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WooHoo!!! Well, I think I have an endless supply now! *evil grin*

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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i ran outta jokes back on like page 10

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for many years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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LOL that was gross

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
LMAO! - Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.

Nancy is in bed with her lover, Bill, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy's house, she picks up the receiver. Bill looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation...

"Hello?" says Nancy. "Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye."

As she hangs up the telephone, Bill asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," Nancy smiles, "that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Edna went into her local Arkansas branch of Victoria's Secret to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.

Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work. When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"

Ralph took just one look and said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
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funny

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you S.O.B.'s who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you S.O.B.'s who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because were leaving."

Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.
He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I ****ed the cream out of it first!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
An Eskimo woman drives her snowmobile into town to get it fixed. She goes to the mechanic and tells him the problem and the mechanic tells her that it will take him a while to fix it. He tells her to go across the street to a nice restaurant where they are having a special on fish and to come back when she is done.
She comes back two hours later and asks the mechanic for her snowmobile.

The mechanic gives it to her and says, "You blew a seal."

She looks at him and wipes her mouth and says, "No, that's just tartar sauce."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
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There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.

The three men agreed to take it.

In the middle of the night, all three woke up.

The man on the left said "I had a dream that some one was holding my dick!"

"Same here!" said the man on the right.

"Strange," said the main in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.

Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"

A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Oh man... Red, that was gross!

One day this lady who can't seem to keep a boyfriend longer than a week comes to the doctor.
She tells the doctor that there is something wrong with her. She asks the doctor to check her private parts and tell her whats wronge.

After the checkup the dotor tells her that she is perfectly fine and nothing is wrong with her.

She does not believe him so she goes to a second doctor. She explains again, and the doctor gives her a checkup, but after the checkup she gets the same results. The doctor suggests that there is an old Chinese doctor down the road and she might want to consult him.

She arrives to the Chinese doctor, and she explains her problem. The Chinese doctor says "oksoo oksoo, you go next to tree. You pull down pants, you look at me between legs."

She feels strange, but does what he says. Suddenly the doctor yells, "okso okso, you have Zactly desease".

She gets scared and asks "what's Zactly desease? Am I going to die?"

"No Zactly desease is where your ass looks Zactly like your face."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"

The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . .
green . . . orange . . . orange."

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children **** on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're s!"

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
Red your first one was gross...
Mon good one...

here's one

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobies . Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[This message has been edited by Red50 (edited July 25, 2000).]

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

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Suzen18
Elite Member
Location: San Diego, CA
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 306
--------------------------------------------
EWWW... red that was gross..

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked
down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the
barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked
down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end
of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a
cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one,
too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he
got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the
Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3911
--------------------------------------------
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second moron got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire. You do what you have to."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
I'm back and so are the jokes...

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When"

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet". Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.

Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all ...." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...". Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's reaction and he said, "I'll buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife."

Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldn't keep this wonderful gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her immediately and remarked, "Not only is he a pretty bird, but he sings too, Dearest." His wife was totally overwhelmed as her husband demonstrated Chet's skill at singing Jingle Bells and White Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chet's right and left foot. "What happens if you put the lighter under both his feet at the same time?" asked the man's wife. "I don't know sweet, lets try it and see."

As the man move his lighter under both of the birds feet, the bird began to sing: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse!"

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TrueB&B
Member
Location: the crashing LD server room!
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 68
--------------------------------------------
Here's some computer humor I just ran across...

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

User has insufficient intelligence for this operation.
Insert new user and click OK to retry.

error 101 : More than 100 errors

Cannot delete tmp150_3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space.
Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.

You need to supply a fax number in order for your request not to receive fax notifications to
be processed.

Windows application has caused the page fault error

"VFS: Root device: Prepare for Armageddon."

Error 20000: No error.

Unix humor, actual returned messages:

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can`t open food in cans

% got a light?
No match.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer
with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some @sshole's got my pen!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it - we're closed.

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
what did i make red do

go dumdum crazy
and hit me baby one more time

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
what did i make red do

go dumdum crazy
and hit me baby one more time

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
This one is one the gross side so read at your own risk...

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."

The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."

The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."

Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
in this pet store theres this parrot that wont shut up

it kept saying

hungry feed me

a person wlked by and said i dont got no food and the bird kept repeating that

somebody walked by and said shut up
and u know what happened

the next day somebody walked by and said i think ill take him

and the bird said shut up ya birdbrain

i know pretty dumb

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can **** on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to ****
the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5163
--------------------------------------------
I got this in an e-mail:

No offense to blondes, I'm a blonde too.

Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!> >> >
> > A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming>from
> > the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
>sweating
> > and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries >the
> > woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
> > his4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding >in
> > your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down >and
> > storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open>the
> > wardrobe door Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering>on
> > the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's
>having a> > heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
--------------------------------------------
lol

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer. Well, he’s not bad, replied the owner, but I have a different one in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. Ah, said the buyer. This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you. The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.

This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. You’re joking! he exclaimed. This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog. I know he appears tame now, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

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The New Britney Board Joke Corner

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat. Just where do
we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a
good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly,"
gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,
I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and
pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging
at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more
than three hours too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they
actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely
worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold
while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the
week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a
writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5796
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Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:52 PM

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Welcome to the brand new, fun filled Britney Board Joke Corner. Due to recent events, the "old" joke corner had to be put to rest.

So, have fun, and let's get jokin!!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story
of a central west couple who drove their car to ****** only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped
forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining
her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
head.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Two dogs, a great dane and a chihuahua were sitting at the vet one day. "What are you here for?" the great dane asked the little dog.
"I was caught having amorous relations with the neighbors cute little poodle and I'm here to be neutered", the chihuahua answered sadly, "What are you here for?"

"Well you see" the great dane responded " I was sitting in the kitchen one day when my mistress bent over the stove, and I just couldn't resist, I mounted her and went to town!!"

"Oh my god!!" the chihuahua exclaimed, "So you're here to be neutered too?" "Nah", replied the great dane smugly, "I'm here to get my nails trimmed and see if they can do something about my breath."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!", which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMAO!!!

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!!!

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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Mon just to let you know I just saw a TV commercial ( don't know what for though cause I wasn't paying attention) and the girl was saying I'm coming, I'm coming, and the first thing I thought of was me too me too. you corrupted me!! lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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LMAO!!! Sorry man...

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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it's okay its a good coruption to.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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I'm glad to hear that.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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My Ass

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMFAO!!!

hhhhhhaaaaa hhhhaaaaaa.

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
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rotflmao

aiight here's a joke 4 ya:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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BSLover
Elite Member
Location: Amityville
Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 3846
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ROTFLMAO Bustin. That one's great. I've never heard it before.

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!!!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
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glad u liked dat 1..here's more:

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, opens his trench coat and flashes them. Two of the old ladies have a stroke, but the third doesn't cause her arms aren't long enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
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LMAO!! all I got to say is I wonder who liked it more!

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited September 11, 2000).]

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took
a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man
began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst
about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a
psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife
have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as
they come."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left.

The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a
fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He
then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of
good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
exclaimed.

"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

TrueB&B_BritFan · Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:53 PM

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
LOL...good 1

3 Men in a bar

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"
He responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."
The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
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LOL

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his
fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was
anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle
to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What
is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher
will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle
asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy
said, "Eleven."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch." The other says that he cannot tell.
So a woodpecker lands on the small tree. The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LMFAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The
new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I
can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his
hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and
yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a
man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a
thing!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one
hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the cow.'"

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

1st. man was an Engineer, 2nd. man was an Accountant, 3rd. man was a Chemist, 4th. man was a Government worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed NOW that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave.

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
The real story of Jack Schitt
The next time someone tells you "You don't know Jack Schitt", you will be able to tell them the whole story.

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee Deep Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt their first passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have one son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number named Pisa Schitt and they await the arrival of Little Schitt.

NOW NO ONE CAN TELL YOU THAT "YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT".

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
What do you call an redneck with sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the
$100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to
GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president
was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little
boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you
note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending
the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
Lol. clinton. lol.

* checks under desk to see if anyones there*

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
--------------------------------------------

let's have some on topic jokes

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
--------------------------------------------

LMAO Red

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Scooby-Doo like to travel on airplanes?
A: Because he gets jet wag!

Q: What is Scooby-Doo's pet cow named?
A: Scooby-Moo!

Q: What is the difference between Scooby-Doo and a marine biologist?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a Whale!

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Twisted Sister

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothes. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well Dad," said the boy, " I challenged Larry to a fight, and I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
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LOL!

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
>sweating
> > and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries >the
> > woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
> > his4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding >in
> > your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down >and
> > storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips openthe
> > wardrobe door Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering> on
> the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's
>having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids.

Men:

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to> pick
only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

> >> > Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
> > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.> >

> > Q: What is the difference between men and women...
> > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...> >
> > A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.> >

> > Q: How does a man keep his youth?
> > A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.> >

> > Q:How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> > A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
At the Gate to Heaven

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack."

The gate keeper said, "Wow, that's horrible." Then he asked the second man how he died.

He replied, "Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me."

"That, too, is horrible," said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith
the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Overpopulation

One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring,
then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," replied the priest, "your legs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
marriage

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: "Rothmans." So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body.

She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.

When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be.

The artist said let's get another opinion. He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw.

He replied, "Well..... that looks like Billy Joel on her left, and Paul McCartney on her right, ...... and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
Willie nelson LMAO!!!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and
say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it
didn't move, so it must be dead.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences
with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when
Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during
the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat,"
"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on
him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then
proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense
before detail."

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
LOL!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you" said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382"
"Wow", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair...can I have my dog back?"

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

Almost Doesn't Count

A driver is pulled over by a police car one afternoon, and when the officer comes up to the window he asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver responds "No officer I don't." The officer replies "You ran that stop sign back there." "Well I slowed down to see if anyone was coming" responded the driver. "Step out of the car sir" As soon as the driver stepped out the officer began to hit him with a knightstick. "Do you want me stop or just slow down?"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO I really hope it's not what I'm thinking!!

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bustin4justin
Elite Member
Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 1467
--------------------------------------------
LMAO....

Peggy Sue Likes To....

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMFAO!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes,
wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He
goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He
uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a
cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and
to hissurprise, music begins playing:

"On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside.
The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the
Medical Eaminer over to the corpse.

"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the
examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road
again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed
with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked
the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any can sing
country music."

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they
appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I
instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in
nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit
every branch on the way down

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to
him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the
ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so
I reckon I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy,
but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women.
When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me
think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out that I'm a lesbian.

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sophisticatedmoma
Mod Squad
Location: Dallas TX
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2262
--------------------------------------------
Funny story.......

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top,
Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of gay **** in our garden."

*Sorry if that offends anyone, I just thought it was cute from the kids point of view*

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SomeGuyNamedMike
Peeper Supreme
Location: Undisclosed
Registered: May 2000
Posts: 3411
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
LOL!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Ten Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you
say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to
see exactly how good they were. They were each given 200 drug
addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were
called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress
when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs
immediately. In disbelief he was asked how. Simple he stated, on one
side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the
other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on
drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs. At this time another
psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my
addicts to drop their habits immediately. Then he was asked how.
Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said
this is your brain. Then on the other side I drew a really big circle
and said this is your butt hole when you go to prison.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Judi and Amanpreet were deep in a philosophical argument.
(Well, deep for them, at least.)

"Since you're so damned smart," Amanpreet says, "answer
this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread
falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"

Judi snorts, "It doesn't ALWAYS land on the buttered side.
Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the
cupboard. Out comes the butter from the 'fridge. She
generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter
side up.

"Ha. See, 'Preet. You ARE a moron. Just like Ray said."

"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side
of the bread!"

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!

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ajs#1fan
Elite Member
Location: barberton,Ohio
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 370
--------------------------------------------
Why are guys so smart during sex???

Because they're plugged into a genius.

~*Jen*~

------------------
"They call me coffee cause I grind so well"-AJ
"See ladies, us guys got something to offer" Nickolas
"Yeah baby,no diggity"-Kevin
"We're the Backstreet Boys obviously"-Brian
"And that is sheepesist"-Howie
Brian and Kevin what the hell took ya so long to propose?? Congrats to them!!-me

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sophisticatedmoma
Mod Squad
Location: Dallas TX
Registered: Jun 2000
Posts: 2262
--------------------------------------------
LOL! How true!

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school
one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose,
but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug
store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not
waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms
for sale. The pharmacist replied, why yes, we have them three for a
dollar. Johnny replied, I'll take three then. When the pharmacist
tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six
cents. Johnny said, wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I
thought you told me they were three for a dollar. The pharmacist
replied... that's the tax we put on them. Little Johnny said, oohh, I
thought they stayed on by themselves.

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Dear Friends:

Yes, this is a chain letter. It won't cost you anything, but like
most chain letters, you've got to follow the directions exactly.

Bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the name at
the top of the list. Then, add your name and address to the
bottom of the list, remove the first name from the list, and
send this to your five closest friends.

When your name reaches the top, you'll receive 15,625
women, ONE of which has to better than the one you've got
now. Don't break the chain or you're liable to wind up with
your old lady again!

Thanks,

Willie C

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC

Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC

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2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol. yes he is a slick willie

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Bix,threetwosandaBBQ
Elite Member
Location: Sitting in limbo
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 5254
--------------------------------------------
Two men walked into a builing. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------
*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?" She answers, "Your horse just phoned."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember,when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and ***** -slap the pest.

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Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol.

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Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three
days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
_________________________________

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!"
______________________________

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time
will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there
any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season
pass?"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and
there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he
was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull
was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the
ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got
there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more
worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe
continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when
I sat down beside her."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was
done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly
now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said,
"Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair,
mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

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Qlxix
Elite Member
Location: location location location
Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 454
--------------------------------------------

LMAO @ Bix

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
in a freak mall accident britney spears and christina aguilera will buy the same pair of shoes
---------------------------------------------
?:what is an elephant and a rhino with the same body?
A:el if i know
---------------------------------------------
?:if a blonde and a brunnette were to fall out of an airplane who would fall first?
A:the brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions

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Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the
pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from
the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked
the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's
wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and
he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the
strawberries to fertilize them.

The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy
way to do everything."

They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it
up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry
patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma
coming to use the outhouse.

BABABOOOM!!!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She
lands in the strawberries!

They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are
you all right? Are you all right?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let
that one go in the kitchen!"

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO!!

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
if you got 2 cookies why cant i have 3
-----------------------------------------
im gonna vote for britney spears cuz aaron carter is a dope!9my brother said that earlier today)
---------------------------------------------
you gotta respond for this one

i gotta joke

---------------------------------------------------------
**************** PAGE 7: ****************
---------------------------------------------------------

2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner....

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*~*angel*~*
Member
Location: where ever i am
Registered: Sep 2000
Posts: 24
--------------------------------------------
and....

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annagal
Elite Member
Location: TiccaTicca BoomBoom Land
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 1126
--------------------------------------------
and i forget it

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*~bsbgirl15*~
Elite Member
Location: Don't ask, don't tell. :)
Registered: Jan 2000
Posts: 5165
--------------------------------------------
Pine Nut

A state trooper pulls over a disoriented driver on a lonely back road and says, "Hey buddy, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "That's your air freshener."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A
DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both
sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for
business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says
WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her
fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and
Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."

Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"

"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."

Johnny hands her a nickle. Kathy then says, "So, what
do you want moved, Johnny?"

"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!" Johnny starts
cracking up laughing.

Kathy thinks for a few seconds. She then turns to Nellie and
softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the
**** out of this kid."

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO I can see both happening.

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited September 30, 2000).]

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
The Sunday School teacher had been helping the children
learn about the Ten Commandments. One morning she asked,
"Can anyone could recite the next commandment?"

Immediately Little Johnny said, "I can! I can!" And proceeded
to say, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife!"

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how
backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.

Your future father-in-law,

Bob Smith, Ph.D.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------
Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
"Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made
cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time
was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went
off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity
finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

--------------------------------------------
Monarchy
Elite Member

Registered: Mar 2000
Posts: 3944
--------------------------------------------

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through
her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed
as follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a
little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life.
She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God
could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat
among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she
sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the
same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter
read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it.
However, I received only $90. It must have been those
bastards at the post office."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him
his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my
wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as
her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That
sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to
her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and
decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth
control for the entire time they had been married, so they
thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they
problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she
was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her
the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a
miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her
husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi
soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they
found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side
of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,
lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted
back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
lol at them all. The fish in the passage one was funny.

You guys got good jokes.

[This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited October 03, 2000).]

--------------------------------------------
Red50
Elite Member

Registered: Apr 2000
Posts: 5952
--------------------------------------------
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river
or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the
morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so
he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his
bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

--------------------------------------------
Brit 3:16
Elite Member
Registered: Jul 2000
Posts: 4133
--------------------------------------------
LMAO.

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:42 PM	#1
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	please don't post in here until I'm finished... thank you (check the last post for something like "ok, I'm done" )

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:43 PM	#2
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	--------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 1: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Monarchy** Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Ok, this is where you post any and all jokes that you can think of. They can be original or others. It doesn't matter, we just need some humor. I'll go first. knock, knock -------------------------------------------- Cool_Kat Senior Member Location: NY Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 150 -------------------------------------------- Who's There? -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- ... [This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 29, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Rash -------------------------------------------- TrueB&B_BritFan Elite Member Location: Planet of the Goobs Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2565 -------------------------------------------- Who's there? (I don't think Mon is! LOL) Mon... come-on are ya gonna leave us all hangin' like this!!!??? Yeeeeesh! Oh there she is! OK... Rash Who? [This message has been edited by TrueB&B_BritFan (edited June 29, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Rash Limbaugh, that's who. hehehe... -------------------------------------------- Ghost347 Elite Member Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :) Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2106 -------------------------------------------- Oh dear.... -------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- This joke is so cheesy, but, the answer is, it doesn't matter because pigs can't fly. I told you it was cheesy. It's not very funny...sorry. I think it's totally dumb. Mike ------------------ Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'. -Britney Spears -------------------------------------------- TrueB&B Member Location: the crashing LD server room! Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 68 -------------------------------------------- BOOOOOOOOOOO HISSSSSSSSS Just kidding!! LOL -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- I heard this joke in Kindergarden and I think it is kind of funny still but sick. What if a man didn't have any toiletpaper? ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- Do I wanna know? LoL! Mike ------------------ Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'. -Britney Spears -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- It's finger licking good. Ain't that nasty? For a kindergardener? ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- that's gross..but funny -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- this one is kinda stupid but some what funny... Little old lady to dog owner: "Is that your German Shepherd outside?" "Yeah, so what?" "Well, my cat just killed it." "Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?" "It got stuck in his throat." -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked lawyer? --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 2: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- i don't know what? -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Chelsea -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- funny -------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- That joke was so funny, thanks for the laugh Red50. Mike ------------------ Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'. -Britney Spears -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Ya'll are quite weird... But this is so cool! I love all of the jokes so far! -------------------------------------------- TheBritLVRkid Elite Member Location: Wouldn't You Like To Know..... Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 786 -------------------------------------------- There is this cliff where when you jump off of it you can wish for whatever you want. So these three kids go to the cliff. The first kid jumps off and wishes for feathers to land on. The second kid jumps off and wishes for pillows to land on. The third kid is afraid of heights, so he walks to the edge and looks down. All of a sudden there is a sudden gust of strong wind that knocks him over the edge, and while he's falling he says "Oh s" and lands in a pile of poop. ---------------- -------------------------------------------- Red50* Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week. When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled laborors and diesel fitters were skilled laborors. "What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter". -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LOL!! Good one Red!! An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills. He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash. He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?" The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:44 PM	#3
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- LMAO @ Mon's BTW this is crazy......but fun! ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR. -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name is Chuck" and the farmer shot him. [This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol.....really good one Red! -------------------------------------------- ButterflyAngel Elite Member Location: Why?...I didn't do it! Registered: Feb 2000 Posts: 1283 -------------------------------------------- LMAO @ y'all! You guys are too crazy! Ghost, my thoughts exactly! Hehe! -------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- How many pancakes does it take to build a dog house? Respond to find out the answer! Bye. Mike ------------------ Hey, this is Brit and I'm not in right now, so do your thang...::beep:: Hehehe, I'm just kiddin'. -Britney Spears -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- how many? -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LOL @ Red!!! That was a good one! --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 3: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" -------------------------------------------- Suzen18** Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- L

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:45 PM	#4
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol.... LMAO @ Mon! That was a good 1! ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR. -------------------------------------------- BSLover Elite Member Location: Amityville Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 3717 -------------------------------------------- That was a good one. I'll pass it along to my fellow workers. They appreciate a good joke every now and again. -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Ewww!!! Ok, that was a little nasty! But it was still funny. -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- LOL the bull joke was pretty gross but funny -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- I don't know. What? ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Ghost347 Elite Member Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :) Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2106 -------------------------------------------- Snowballs... -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Snowballs -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- Ha Ha Ha. Do you want to hear a dirty joke? ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you." After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime. Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over." -------------------------------------------- Ghost347 Elite Member Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :) Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2106 -------------------------------------------- Damn, I'm so good that I sometimes scare even myself. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Yes Guy, I want to hear a dirty joke --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 4: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- Ok. A boy fell in a puddle of mud flat on his ass. ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Did you ever wonder how someone can fall flat on their ass? Unless you have an extremely flat ass, there is no way you can fall flat... -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Ha ha ha.. Is that the best you can do? -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- Hey, I told you a dirty joke. I don't know what you were thinking. ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Ghost347** Elite Member Location: In Lucky's Dressing Room..... :) Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2106 -------------------------------------------- Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle.

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:46 PM	#5
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LOL!!! Here's another sorta dirty joke for y'all. The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate. The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free. -------------------------------------------- ~SurferGirl~ Elite Member Location: Santa Cruz, California Registered: Dec 1999 Posts: 2779 -------------------------------------------- These are giving me a laugh, they are so funny!! Here's mine: Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second man,"that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" "I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent." "I don't understand," said the other. The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No sht?" -------------------------------------------- Red50* Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- LOL! [This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol....hey Red u laugh really funny! ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR. -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Yea, well you smell weird! [This message has been edited by Red50 (edited June 30, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- OK here is the real one I wanted to share. Once there was a bad kid named Jonny Deeper. One day he stayed after school with his teacher to serve his detention. One day he got up and took the yard stick that was sitting on the ledge of the chalkboard. Then, Jonny asked his teacher, "Will you go in the closet with me." Teacher said, "No, I will not go in the closet with you." Jonny said, "I'll cry" Then after falling for the "I'll cry" gag she goes in the closet with him. Then, Jonny asked, "Will you take off your clothes?" The teacher, "No, I will not take off my clothes." Jonny replied, "I'll tell the pricipal that you were in the closet with me." The teacher gave in and took off her clothes. Then, Jonny asked, "Can I stick thick stick up your ass?" The teacher is like, "No, you can't stick this stick up my ass" Jonny's reply, "I'll tell the principal that you were naked and in the closet with me." Again the teacher let him stick the stick up her ass. As he was doing it his parents walked in. And said,"Jonny Deeper" Jonny said, "I can't it's stuck" I am not very good at telling jokes like that sorry. ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- lol -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Here's another one - it's not so nasty... Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. -Sauce unknown -------------------------------------------- TrueB&B_BritFan Elite Member Location: Planet of the Goobs Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 2565 -------------------------------------------- LOL, that's a good one Red!!! lol --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 5: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Monarchy** Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress." "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:47 PM	#7
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol lol lol ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeR. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LOL!!! Those were good ones!! -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- lol -------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol....c'mon any1 else??? -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- this one is kinda stupid but... Wrong Answer A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." -------------------------------------------- Brit-rulz Elite Member Location: Long Island, NY Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 275 -------------------------------------------- LOL That was a great one. ------------------ "I got it under control!" - Britney -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said.

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:48 PM	#9
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- lol....u guys r really good at this! ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs. --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 7: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- Things Most Women Will Never Say You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again? The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. Bar food again?? Kick * I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day ! Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare *! I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter. -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- OMG... That is so funny, yet so true!!! I love it! -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- here's another good one.. Henry Ford Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention: l. There's too much front end protrusion 2. It chatters at high speeds 3. The rear end wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust." "Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours." -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fing Indians.'" -------------------------------------------- Red50* Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- LOL! That's a good one. Here's another... Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do,"he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch biclighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie says. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?" -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- lol that's a good one.. here's another it's kinda stupid Identify the following sound Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop, BANG, BANG, BANG, clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop. It's an Amish drive by shooting!!! -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!!! Those were good! -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- lol that was a good one. -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- LOL!!! That was a good one! At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- lol -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- LOL - those are good! Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I'm embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed. She said nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, said, "How soon do you have to know?" -------------------------------------------- Qlxix Elite Member Location: location location location Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 453 -------------------------------------------- Have you ever realized that to truly have a love triangle someone has to be gay.....otherwise it would just be an angle. ok I don't get that one --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 8: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Qlxix Elite Member Location: location location location Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 453 -------------------------------------------- LOL @ all of you -------------------------------------------- Suzen18 Elite Member Location: San Diego, CA Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 306 -------------------------------------------- Monica's Dress Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned." Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time." -------------------------------------------- BSLover** Elite Member Location: Amityville Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 3717 -------------------------------------------- That's pretty sick. Funny, but sick.

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:49 PM	#11
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	-------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- I think I feel a mood swing comming on...someone better post a joke soon...I'm going to crack. LoL...j/k "Dancing Queen" just came on the TV and that song always put me in a good mood...LoL! ~Mike -------------------------------------------- Guy_Britney_Fan2 Elite Member Location: Britney Asylum Registered: May 2000 Posts: 2226 -------------------------------------------- That is a good one. I don't have any jokes right now, but I have a funny experience. Here it goes. My freshman year in high school I took a trip to Orlando with the band. Well, it was the last morning we were going to be there so my friends and I decided to play a little joke on are teacher. What we did was my friend was calling him for something. So I snuck in his room and stole his hotel key so he would be locked out. So, my other roommate was in our room with his video camera taking taping him trying to get inside his room. He was pounding on the door and yanking on the door. See, when we showed the tape to the class and everybody was in for a good laugh. It doesn't sound all that funny right, but here is the catch. He didn't know that we did it. And turns out he was doing all that pounding and yanking on the door in his underware. No robe, no shirt, nothing but his underware. He even had to go down to the lobby just to get a spare key. It was well worth it. Eventhough, we only got a day of detention. That was the funniest thing we ever done to him. I wish I could of gone with them last year. ------------------ "Man it is Hotter than a crotch out here" -Britney as Mrs. Washington churning her butter. "I don't Front, Yo, I don't Front" -Dawn Paslowski aka Britney -------------------------------------------- Brit-rulz Elite Member Location: Long Island, NY Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 275 -------------------------------------------- Fresh out of the shower, a woman is drying off when she slips and lands spread eagle on the floor. Trying to stand, she realizes that she fell so hard that her crotch created a vacuum and she's stuck to the floor. She calls to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. He calls his neighbor and they both try to lift her up but she still won't budge.Then the neighbor says "Why don't we get a hammer, break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?" "Great Idea," says the husband "but just let me rub her chest a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks the confused neighbor. "So we can slide her to the kitchen," the husband replies. "The tiles are cheaper in there." ------------------ "I got it under control!" - Britney -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- LMAO! That must s'''' when that happens... -------------------------------------------- Red50* Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!" -------------------------------------------- genio_atrapado Elite Member Location: Oceanside, Ca usa Registered: May 2000 Posts: 244 -------------------------------------------- does anybody know if the mummy had a nice vacation? No one knows she was too wrapped up to ask her ------------------ 'mi luz mi cielo azul, mi gran amor aun por siempre tu' [This message has been edited by genio_atrapado (edited July 06, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." --------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 9: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES." Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES." Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT." His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY." He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left. The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy." -------------------------------------------- marlon84 Elite Member Location: Miami,Fla Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 1153 -------------------------------------------- LOL....u guys! ------------------ BrItNeY rUlEs!!!...NoThInG eLsE mAtTeRs. -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Do you know what the difference between "naked" and "nekkid" is? -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- Well since nobody is gonna ask, I'll just tell ya... Naked - you have no clothes on Nekkid - you have no clothes on and your up to something -------------------------------------------- NgcLuvsMe! Senior Member Location: Backstreet Fantasy World Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 159 -------------------------------------------- This joke might have been posted earlier, so sorry if it was. A women gets out of the shower and walks over to the mirror, naked. She complains to her husband about how she wishes her breasts were larger. Every day, for 3 years, this woman complains to her husband about this. Finally her husband gets so sick of listening to her complaing he tells her that he knows of a way to make them bigger. The woman is very curious and asks how this is possible. The man tells her tha all she has to do is rub some toilet paper between her breasts and they will get larger. The woman is bewildered, and asks how he knows this will work. The husband replies..."Well it worked with your @$$ didn't it?" -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you." -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts." -------------------------------------------- AGuyNamedMike Elite Member Location: Britney Land Registered: Jun 2000 Posts: 375 -------------------------------------------- LoL, some of these jokes are so funny! They crack me up and remember...they keep me in a good mood. ~Mike -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!" -------------------------------------------- Qlxix Elite Member Location: location location location Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 453 -------------------------------------------- LMAO origami monsters take over Central Park film @ 11 -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins: 1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday. 2. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again--then quit. No use being a fool about it." ~ W.C. Fields -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand." -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3876 -------------------------------------------- ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was so good!!! -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector they asked him where the money was. The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter. The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is." The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He also says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!" -------------------------------------------- Brit-rulz Elite Member Location: Long Island, NY Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 275 -------------------------------------------- That was awesome! ------------------ "I got it under control!" - Britney --------------------------------------------------------- ************ PAGE 10: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- The New Britney Board Joke Corner -------------------------------------------- Red50** Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5677 -------------------------------------------- A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Nov 2nd, 2000, 04:52 PM	#14
TrueB&B_BritFan Registered User Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: making zombie virus for U Posts: 15,028	--------------------------------------------------------- ************** PAGE 1: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner.... -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- Welcome to the brand new, fun filled Britney Board Joke Corner. Due to recent events, the "old" joke corner had to be put to rest. So, have fun, and let's get jokin!!!! -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5952 -------------------------------------------- From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to ** only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- Two dogs, a great dane and a chihuahua were sitting at the vet one day. "What are you here for?" the great dane asked the little dog. "I was caught having amorous relations with the neighbors cute little poodle and I'm here to be neutered", the chihuahua answered sadly, "What are you here for?" "Well you see" the great dane responded " I was sitting in the kitchen one day when my mistress bent over the stove, and I just couldn't resist, I mounted her and went to town!!" "Oh my god!!" the chihuahua exclaimed, "So you're here to be neutered too?" "Nah", replied the great dane smugly, "I'm here to get my nails trimmed and see if they can do something about my breath." -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5952 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!", which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." -------------------------------------------- Red50 Elite Member Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 5952 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- Mon just to let you know I just saw a TV commercial ( don't know what for though cause I wasn't paying attention) and the girl was saying I'm coming, I'm coming, and the first thing I thought of was me too me too. you corrupted me!! lol. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! Sorry man... -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- it's okay its a good coruption to. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- I'm glad to hear that. -------------------------------------------- Monarchy Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- My Ass This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as: "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- LMFAO!!! hhhhhhaaaaa hhhhaaaaaa. -------------------------------------------- bustin4justin Elite Member Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 1467 -------------------------------------------- rotflmao aiight here's a joke 4 ya: One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache." -------------------------------------------- BSLover Elite Member Location: Amityville Registered: Apr 2000 Posts: 3846 -------------------------------------------- ROTFLMAO Bustin. That one's great. I've never heard it before. --------------------------------------------------------- ************ PAGE 2: ************ --------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Edition of The Britney Board Joke Corner.... -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!!! -------------------------------------------- bustin4justin Elite Member Location: a beachfront mansion on Timber-Lake Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 1467 -------------------------------------------- glad u liked dat 1..here's more: Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, opens his trench coat and flashes them. Two of the old ladies have a stroke, but the third doesn't cause her arms aren't long enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." -------------------------------------------- Brit 3:16 Elite Member Registered: Jul 2000 Posts: 4133 -------------------------------------------- LMAO!! all I got to say is I wonder who liked it more! [This message has been edited by Brit 3:16 (edited September 11, 2000).] -------------------------------------------- Monarchy** Elite Member Registered: Mar 2000 Posts: 3944 -------------------------------------------- A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"